Men will ask me to send nudes it’s like, sir I won’t even send clotheds
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Every time you get a haircut, you’re essentially returning your last haircut and exchanging it for the exact same thing
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Roses are red,
I love mashed potato.
Poetry is hard,
laminator.#PoetryDay
I dont pretend to be anything I’m not..
Except for sober I’ve pretended to be sober a few times
If movies have taught me anything, it’s that the insurance for fruit vendor carts must be astronomical.
*at bedtime
And in this corner weighing in at 32 pounds is a toddler calling herself the Intimidator. I see she has a “Sleep is for the weak” tattoo on her forearm and has made a strong move refusing pajamas and crying for mommy…
So tired this morning that I think I tried to make a call with a Pop-Tart.
What rhymes with “Your eyes glisten in the sunset like majestic stars”?
I refuse to lose another rap battle!
Husband: I’m going to turn off the gps and just drive
Me: Last words from the urban liberals as they drive into the rural mountains blasting classical music looking to get closer to nature from the comfort of their SUV before they’re chainsawed and cannibalized by the locals
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
What idiot called it Black Friday and not Welcome to the Jingle
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
HER: this isn’t working out
ME: is it because I’m too literal?
HER: I just don’t want to see you any more
ME: ok *gently closes her eyes*
It happened. I witnessed the most Philly thing ever.
A fight broke out DURING a showing of the Mister Rogers movie.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
STUNTMAN ON TV: don’t try this at home
ME [sitting on couch eating out of a 5 lb. bag of m&ms]: ok
Me: A man’s bouncy house is his bouncy castle
Wife: I don’t care which one you call it, just let the kids play in it even if it is on “your side”
thankfully, most bananas are boneless
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
I’d prob date Pete Davidson too if Instagram showed me a targeted ad for him more than 3x
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised
Child: What’s that?
Me: My high school senior photo.
Child: You were good looking.
Me: Thanks.
Child:
Me:
Child: What happened?
Jesus must’ve had a fortune if he paid for all my sins
Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
MAFIA BOSS: Did you take him out?
ME: Yeah we went to watch Black Panther
MAFIA BOSS: wtf I’m asking if he was blown away
ME: Oh definitely, it’s a pretty awesome movie
[gates of Valhalla]
ODIN: did you die in battle?
[flashback to me suffocating in a children’s ninja turtle costume]
ME: ya
Bought a “Best Moments of 2021” magazine and the pages were blank
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
Of course I have body issues, I can’t explode into a thousand crows.