so, what you’re saying is, if i don’t eat an apple a day, i’ll meet a doctor?
… sounds better than tinder
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Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
Looking at you, Jesus.
My wife asked me why I was doing the dishes while sitting down.
Told her it’s because I can’t stand doing it.
First rule of having a pet is to say everything twice. The second time in a sillier voice than the first.
The waiter here is SO sweet
bringing me 4 forks with my cake just in case I drop one.
When having guests over for lunch, once I’ve prepared the meal is it rude of me to leave?
When I’m mad at my husband, I ask him to help me find my phone and then put it in my pocket on silent.
Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
*pitching the concept of twitter* what if your diary hated you
My friend keeps saying that every time he goes to Taco Bell he gets diarrhea.
I said, try ordering Tacos instead.
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
As a dad it’s your duty to ask “how were the roads?” within fifteen minutes of a visitors arrival
[first time]
HER: (handing me condom) Do you know how to put this on?
ME: They showed us in health class.
HER: Good.
ME: Okay, where’s the banana?
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
My favorite position in bed is getting off it for pizza
The first time I ever went to a Catholic Church the fire alarms went off when I sat down. I can take a hint Jesus.
Me: Grandma died, can’t work today.
Boss: Thought she died last month?
Me: This time she is for real dead. We poked her with a stick.
All my small talk is done with a car horn.
Today my 7 year-old came into the room crying. I asked him what happened and he said that his 5 year-old brother put 80 cows in his house in Minecraft while he was offline and that it was “entirely too many cows” and honest to christ I have no idea how to parent any of this.
Why does my mustard bottle insist on peeing in my sandwich before dispensing my mustard?
A bee is willing to end it’s own life just to cause you a tiny amount of pain. I can relate to that level of pettiness.
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
Your mission, Ethan, should you choose to accept it, no pressure, mind you, 100% your call, can’t stress that enough, you and I are cool either way, but in any case, there’s this plutonium…
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I like long, romantic walks away from women that try catching the bouquet at weddings