My son says I only had kids so I could make them do chores. Like yes, I made a bunch of messy, whiny poop machines so they could cry while doing a crap job of cleaning that I just have to redo later.
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I saw a girl carrying a hamster so I asked if I could pet it but it was actually a muffin so I’m on my way to jump of a cliff now
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy baseball?
ME: Okay, I’m a pitcher with gills
WIFE (noticing lipstick on my collar): have you been kissing another woman?
ME: uhh
MY DOG (with bright pink lips): go on, tell her
my cat frankie loves this weird ugly chair that came with my apartment. it’s gotta be one of his top 3 favorite spots to chill or sleep and probably like every third time i walk in and find him there i go “chairman of the board over here” but he never laughs
Whisper out to librarians!
Oh my God. You try to run him over one time, and he never lets you forget it.
Anime is real
While I usually love my son’s sense of humour, pretending to not know us as we went through airport security was not one of those times
As a kid I thought a lot about growing up, getting a job and having kids, but not this job and certainly not these kids.
Hobo-looking dad with preschooler who won’t stop seeks similarly afflicted for caffeine, playdates.
I’m currently reading a book about a couple of insects who fall in love in an Italian city.
It’s a Rome ants novel.
Want to know the real reason behind the egg shortage?
Henopause
Annnd, send tweet.
caller: listen carefully–we have a hidden camera in your hotel room. you need to…
me: pay you money? smuggle drugs???
caller: cover it up. and would a little cardio kill you?
What do you mean you don’t like Mountain Dew?! Do you even think about the Appalachian children, setting out before sunrise each morning, climbing high to collect the finest dew from the finest mountains? No, you only think about yourselves.
Hot Hot Hot
If a Zombie Apocalypse happened today they’d all starve to death.
My tinder profile says I love dogs but then on dates I elaborate that it is hot dogs and corn dogs
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
My Nephew called me ‘lazy’ when I took him shopping in Morrisons today.
I was so shocked I nearly fell out the trolley.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
Me: Did you get my RSVP to your open bar?
Friend: You mean my wedding?
Me: Yeah, sure!
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
fellas is it cheating to call people by their names
WHAT DO WE WANT?
License and registration, please.
WHEN DO WE WANT IT?
Sir, please stop shouting and step out of the vehicle.
I’ve just renamed my WiFi network to “Police Surveillance Van #02”.
That should keep my pikey neighbours on their toes for a while.
Have you ever read a reply so stupid you had to click on the profile to see if the person looks as stupid?
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
I’m like a squirrel. If I’m crossing a road, and a car comes by, I never know what to do. I just go mad.
If there are no verbs in your tweet you’re a rebel without a clause. If there are no commas in your tweet you’re a rebel without a pause and if you are a cat who juggles chainsaws then you’re probably a rebel without paws.