Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
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Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
Ok..I get it now..When you spoke in a normal voice it was unclear what you meant but once you screamed the identical words it all made sense
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
[Career Day]
Me: Money doesn’t buy happiness. However, it does buy tacos which make me happy. In conclusion, money does buy happiness.
Kids: *raise hands*
Me: I won’t be taking any questions.
Sometimes I feel like a decent parent and sometimes my kids start fiddling with the volume and temperature in my car without asking.
*inhales helium from balloon*
I think we should see other people.
oh you like road-trips? name every road then
My son just walked into the room, said hello, asked how I was, then left.
He didn’t actually want anything.
I know! Incredible!
Oh and then I fainted.
Vampire: can I take you out to dinner?
Girl: am I the dinner?
Vampire: (sweating) ha ha no
PREACHER: any prayer requests?
3 DUCKS IN A TRENCHCOAT (from the last pew): do the one about our daily bread
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
Disgusting if literal: Liverpool
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Coworker: Do u have a phone charger?
Me: No.
CW: How about the 1 on your desk?
Me: WHO ARE U CALLING A JIGGABOO LINDA?!
CW: OMG! *runs away*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
I am just a boy, standing in front of a milkshake, wondering by what sorcery it beckoned me to this yard
if HBO wants me to watch a Game Of Thrones spin off I want a personal apology for season 8. 12 pt font, double spaced, no funny business on the margins
If you can steal a scarf away from Johnny Depp he has to grant you one wish.
Fact: ants can lift 20 times their body weight, more if a bro is spotting them.
Everybody gangsta til they have diarrhea and a broken zipper
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
[playing D&D&D]
Guy Fieri: Is anybody eating that burger or do I have to roll for it?
Favourite diary entry ever
Remember they’re just as afraid of seeing you dance as you are of dancing.
Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
me: raises hell
Hell: put me back down!
My husband just called our dog, Gertie by her real name, Gertrude. She must be in a lot of trouble.