Women. Can’t live with em, can’t live without titties.
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Husband: “Why are you always on your phone?”
Me: “Sounds good, I’m starving.”
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Here’s how I gained 27Ibs of muscle in 5 weeks:
Lying.
(One of my sons murders the other) hey cut the crap. both of you. knock it off
I sent my wife a copy of a menu from a really fancy restaurant ahead of time….
….she’ll be so surprised when we pull up at this Applebee’s.
Wife: I’m growing some vegetables.
Me: What if the pig eats them?
Wife: Then I’m growing porkchops.
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.
Perfect one night stand:
Amish person.No internet access.
No phones.
In the heat of passion they’ll whisper the secret to apple butter.
Him: have you had dinner yet?
Me: *after eating entire bag of chips, 2 donuts and 6 cookies* Nope, not yet.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
AXL ROSE: Where do we go? Where do we go now? Where do we go-o-o-o?
GOOGLE MAPS: Shut up for a minute and I’ll tell you
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
I often message people with the weird idea that they’ll message me back.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
Me: *digging a hole* Sorry, honey. Just following the social distancing orders.
Him: It’s six feet APART, not under.
Me: Just get in.
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
During this heat wave with high humidity I’ve not wasted time combing my hair and I’m looking like a chia pet.
I need to do some tidying up around here so I’ll start with finishing this box of wine to free up some counter space
tarot card reader: so that’s 3 death cards
me: but that means change or rebirth, right?
tarot card reader: *pulling out another death card* no
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*
*stretches neck*
*takes a deep breath**heads toward buffet*
Got a new mouse! Cut his tail off by mistake! 🙄
My single friends are always talking about clubbing and being hit on. Today’s social scene sounds so violent.
Dear Restaurant Managers:
If more than 3 employees ask me how I’m enjoying my meal, I begin to wonder if you know something I don’t know.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
think about this. if u put a banana down u have to put it on its side. but if u slice it and put those slices flat they r actually standing up. this is why i don’t trust bananas. they r never as they seem
Teacher: ok class bring your dioramas to the front of the class
Me: [holding a bowl of diahorrea] oh no…
*pronounces GIF like graphics interchange format*
[when we’re a quarter of the way there]
Bon Jovi: OOOOOOOOOH WE-
Me: not yet Bon Jovi