In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
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🙈 See no evil.
🙉 Hear no evil.
🙊 Monkey beat-boxing
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
48 degrees & pouring rain. My neighbor is out running because “it releases endorphins”. I’m eating M&Ms and tweeting on my couch because it releases indoorphins.
Standing on the corner with a cardboard sign that says ‘will work around red flags.’
thanks auntie mary
THERAPIST: what’s the problem?
WIFE: he replaces words with animal names just to annoy me
ME: I don’t do it on porpoise
A woman at my bar was talking about how she has hard time meeting men and I told her to just start conversations with people. A guy comes in and sits next to her and she turns to him and goes “where were you during 9/11?”
Me: Opposite of Ladyfinger should be Mentos.
Grocery store clerk: *into walkie talkie* Security? He’s back!
I wanna get HAMMERED tonight.
Seriously?
Yeah, drunk as hell, bro.
Riiight. Of course, of course. *quietly slides hammer back into sleeve*
I gave up my aisle seat and took a middle seat so a mother and her son could sit together. It was ten minutes of feeling good about myself followed by three hours of hating a perfectly nice little boy.
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
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Shhh!-Librarians arguing
You can’t fix stupid but you can fantasize about slapping the shit out of it.
Mufasa: my son, present your first antelope kill
Simba: *hiding cantaloupe behind his back* my what now
Scar: *whispering* lmao I’m the lyin’ king
Me: Why aren’t you in bed?
5: I need smooth jazz.
Me: Uh what?
5: I NEED YOU TO PLAY ME SMOOTH JAZZ!
When my friend and I were children, gym class would have us run around the neighborhood. This run would pass my house. We sneak through the back alley into my house and watch TV for 20 minutes and then my dad will drive us back to school. The perfect crime
When my cat has an accident on the carpet, he hides to escape responsibility. It’s a, “shit and run”.
Scream 1996: killer uses landline; makes it until the end
Scream 2022: killer uses Facebook, twitter, insta; gets caught immediately
Considering the effort it takes to get into these damn things, I consider them all sports bras.
A possum broke into an Australian bakery and ate so many pastries it couldn’t move. This is how they found him.
i’ve been kidnapped and quickly released easily 6 dozen times
My daughter is at school and she just sent me this photo entirely without context so I have to assume she turned her teachers into cats
I think it’s fun how Hollywood gets to make as many Superman movies as they want until they get it right.
I always feel slightly ripped off when my toddler poops after I pick her up from daycare.
me: im not the jealous type
her: good i hate jealous guys
me: what guys. how many guys do u kno
I spent the entire day yesterday freaking out and preparing my house for a monsoon and flooding from a storm that never came so if you need me I’ll be writing strongly worded tweets to local meteorologists.
The Church of England rejected female bishops. How can women’s rights expect to move forward if they’re not even allowed to move diagonally?
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
drew a comic about my origin story
Me: “You do NOT need any chips. Please leave them alone.”
6y/o, running off with bag of chips: “Yay, it says it’s Party Size!”
*trips, dumps half of the chips on the floor*
8y/o: “I think it’s more of a Family Size bag now?”