“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
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What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
FRIEND: I’m tired of being poor. I’m gonna turn to a life of crime
ME: Dude I’m so in. We should steal fine art, or jewelry, or-
THE HAMBURGLAR: Guys, hear me out
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
My spirit animal is a hamster named Bob.
He used to be a regular hamster named Bob.
But, I kinda forgot to feed him for a couple of weeks.
New poster I stuck up at my local train station. I’m looking forward to catching up with everyone.
I haven’t had a donut since two thousand and quarantine.
If I remove any clothing at all, the man thinks it’s sexy time, so now I just step into the shower fully dressed.
My dog sets an impossible bar for how I should greet my wife when she comes home.
My son mowed the lawn so if you need me I’ll be outside re-mowing the lawn.
since i quit vaping and drastically cut down alcohol consumption, my sweet tooth is out of control. i almost never ate dessert before and now im like ah yes the traditional 9am seven layer cake.
“you changed” bro i was 15
deeply unfair of people to assume I have my life together just because I’m boring
Villian: one false move and you’re history
Me: ok wait does that mean one true move and I’m the future? *eyes welling up* Very inspiring sir thank you
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
This morning I noticed my neighbor was talking to her cat. It was obvious the poor woman thought her cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog about it. We laughed so much!
It makes me feel sick that i come from such a long line of hypochondriacs.
“DO YOU KNOW WHERE YOU ARE? YOU’RE IN THE JUNGLE GYM, BABY! AGES THREE TO NIIIIINNNNE!” – Axl Rose, playground monitor.
If a man put his empty deodorant under his wife’s pillow in the morning a new stick will appear on the bathroom counter.
I’m going to be a piñata for Halloween: nearly broke & full of candy
My teen son complained that the house was too cold. I suggested that cleaning his room would warm him up. All of a sudden, he’s not cold.
I want a 21 cinnamon bun salute at my funeral.
me: we should have a housewarming party
dad: [moving to block the thermostat] a what now
What’s a good wedding gift that says “Congratulations!” but also subtly says “I really liked your first wife better”?
*falls from grace*
PARKOUR!
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
1) Pull black socks to knees 2) Wear sandals 3) Wear Magnum PI shorts 4) Make ball sack slightly visible
-Grandpa’s guide to lawn mowing
A guy sat 6 feet across from me and tried to hit on me. I said, “what? I can’t hear you.” he goes, “Awww man!! Coronavirus be killing my game!!!” and left defeated.
*adds Amazon wishlist link to bio*
Me: And now we wait
[2 days later] *nothing*
[1 week later] *still nothing*
[2 weeks later] Kids: Dad, we’re really hungry now
Me: I said, we wait!!!