My wife asked me, “How do I look?”
I said, “With your eyes.”
I almost lost mine.
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I don’t think The Proclaimers realized how far 500 miles really is.
making threatening gestures at cows with my ice cream scoop
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Him: Why are you going in circles???
Me: I’m buffering!!!
Getting my hair done Monday.
Good news for the kids who scream “WITCH” as they pass by my house, bad news for the birds that live in it.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
I wish people would stop holding back and use social media to tell us how they really feel
What do you get if you cross an angry sheep and a angry cow?
You get two animals in a baaaaaaaad moooooooood
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
“wait..so its a face transplant”
“yes”
“but his voice’
“your voice is tied to your face how u look is how u sound this is just science”
“ok nic cage”
Saw a deer standing beside the highway this morning watching the traffic go by.Guess he was trying to figure out who’s day he wanted to ruin
Dinosaurs never could have survived to the present day.
Like…can you even imagine a stegosaurus trying to climb into a Honda Civic? Totally ridiculous.
*googles how the hell I ended up here*
*stuffing my face with donuts* what does the cop banging on my windshield screaming “give me back my donuts” want from me?
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
People joke about being left hangin, but it’s not funny to me. My cousin died from an unrequited high five.
I’ll huff and I’ll puff and I’ll get light headed then have to lay down.
If people who made meth called themselves methematicians it would probably be a more respected occupation.
Divorce update: my ex is accusing me of stealing canned soup from our former home
I still remember the day two Nigerian men were arguing on the bus, and they fully agreed to exchange numbers to meet up and fight that weekend cus they were late for work.
LOOOOOOOOOOOOL
Matthew McConaughey walks into a bakery…
Matthew: “Can I get three loaves of bread please?”
Baker: “What type do you want sir?”
Matthew: “All rye, all rye, all rye.”
My good friend has been fired because he slept with one of his patients. After 7 years of medical school, what a waste of time, effort, training & money. This just goes to show one mistake can ruin your life. It’s sad for him.
He is a great guy & was a brilliant veterinarian.
The Chipotle I went to apologized for not having any lettuce today. I said “It’s cute that you think I’m here for that.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
2014: lost 10 lbs, saved $135, ate $135 worth of candy, gained 10 lbs