*the force awakens*
*the dark knight rises*
*they make eye with eachother adn realize they were sleepig in the same bed*
AHHHHHHHHHHHH
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I bought beard oil yesterday, so now I have to pick a favorite IPA.
“What an awesome body-”
Oh… thanks. I work out-
“- of research.”
– formulas. I work out formulas. *sips tea* I do a lot of math.
Just washed my windows and not a single bloke came out and said ‘You can do mine next!’
This used to be a real country.
You’re not a real teacher until a student shares with you that your fly has been down most of the class period.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
The opposite of formaldehyde is casualdejekyll.
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
The Count of Monte Cristo remains popular because it speaks to that universal human desire to flex on everyone you went to school with
“Dad what IS the moon?”
It is cheese. Delicious cheese. Thats why rats come out at nite, to look at it. We must never let rats on the moon.
Took my toddler for a long walk like a goddamned super mom…lost his stroller in the creek like the mom I actually am.
Amazing how a fight can break out at the grocery store over something as simple as knocking over someone’s cart and demanding they fight you
If you want a relationship to work, you have to compromise. Maybe you don’t like your partner’s taste in music. Maybe they don’t like the wild raccoons that you let sleep on the bed- while they are forced to sleep on the porch. If you care about each other, you make it work.
[Knock at the door]
Man: Can we talk to you about Jesus?
Mary: What’s he done this time?
my wife and I watching Popeye together but she covers my eyes during the scary bits (when he goes all bulgy and gets belligerent)
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
[about to be murdered]
Oh thank god. I was literally having THE. WORST. DAY.
I get real disrespectful with serving sizes. A bag is not gonna tell me what to do.
Hell, YES, I work out. Somebody has to support the ibuprofen industry.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!
My son gave me the ultimate Mother’s Day gift: he just brought out all of the cups & dishes from his room & filled the kitchen sink.
I’m so blessed.
Sorry I threw your baby but there was a spider on her.
[at work the day after wishing my life was more like a video game]
“morning brent”
morning diane *accidentally jumps instead of sitting down*
My favorite Bible story is the one where thousands more people show up to Jesus’ party than RSVP’d but he still had enough cake for everyone
My weightloss journey will be before pictures only.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
[shows her my bedroom]
And this is where the magic happens…
[starts doing that trick where it looks like my thumb is coming apart]
My neck, my back, my…
a tweetup with your friends who all got suspended from twitter is “getting the banned back together”
Sometimes I think I’m stupid then I remind myself: Would a stupid person spend years of their life on twitter? Yeah I didn’t think so…