Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
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Satan: you can spend eternity in hell OR you can go to work for the first time in 5 days.
Me: hmmm
Satan: well?
Me: IM THINKING, DAMN IT
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
If one ex was drowning and the other was
dangling from a cliff-edge and you had one set of
ropes to save them….where would you hide it?
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I’ve started giving my sons chores that I know they will do, such as:
“Ignore the dishes in the sink”
“Starve the plants until they die”
“Never come out of your room”So far, they’re crushing it
Me: Can I stick a finger in it?
Wife: No.
M: C’mon, it’ll be HOT.
W: …
M: Just my pinky?
W: Keep away from the sauce and go set the table.
This outfit is called Running Into Someone I Know Would Be The Ultimate Worst Thing That Could Happen
I walked into a gas station & a woman handed me a free slice of pizza
Either Iowa is the nicest state in America or I’ve just been poisoned
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I thought it was impossible to do 450 push ups in a minute until I discovered lying
Whenever someone says, “that’s what she said”, I like to reply with, “not to you”
Me: sorry I’m late, my toddler made me find his blue socks.
Friend without kids: I don’t believe a 3yo can MAKE you do anything.
Me: 😶
I’ve known my drug dealer since I was this high.
My girlfriend is pissed at me for never putting down the toilet seat. To be honest, I AM getting pretty tired of carrying it around.
Therapist: What if you didn’t constantly hammer away at yourself in your head?
Me: Lol I know right
Therapist: For real though
Me: Can you imagine haha
Therapist: No. I am making an actual suggestion
Me: Wait, that’s an option?
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Oracle: Beware the Ides of March
Caesar: I’m in danger?
O: Yah, but I meant in, like, 2k years the US will depend on the wisdom of ppl in FL
Save your voice calling for your kids. Just open a bag of chips and they’ll materialize out of nowhere.
*gets laser eye surgery*
“Thanks doc, so how do I activate them?”
I told you, that’s not what—
*i squint at him real hard but he’s right*
One of the most unforgivable sins is spilling your coffee because you’re texting while driving.
What’s your spirit animal?
“An eagle. They’re so majestic.”
MEANWHILE
Horse: hey eagle, what’s your spirit human
Eagle: this guy Dave
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
hi why am I like this
I like to write “made you look” on folded pieces of paper and place them under car windshield wipers in parking lots.
17 asked if we owned a vacuum. I’m gonna need a minute
Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
What the hell, Everyman Cinemas? I booked the last available seat for Tetris The Movie and the whole row disappeared.