99% of smokers are just wanna-be dragons. Everybody knows that.
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Friend – I just got mugged by a guy walking his dog!
Me – What kind of dog was it? What was it’s name? Was it cute? Did you pet it?
Who called it a shopaholic and not a boughtanist?
Two guys are driving through Indiana and they stop at a fast food place in Louisville. They start arguing about how the name of the town is pronounced, if it’s Louis-vill or Lou-ee-vill. They ask the cashier “how do you say the name of this place?”
She says “Burger King.”
Freaking out people walking round the cemetery dressed as a Ghostbuster.
this kid says there was a weird sweaty man in the ball pit but I was in there and didn’t see him
I will have a piñata at my funeral.
You know, to make people happy.
It will be filled with bees.
You know, to make me happy too.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
BREAKING NEWS: Scientists discover portal, “WE THREW A HOTDOG IN IT” screamed one scientist
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
RIVERS WILL RUN RED WITH THE BLOOD OF MY ENEMIES & ALL WHO PLOTTED AGAINST ME WILL KNOW A FEAR-oh never mind my keys were in my other pocket
perhaps my fairy godmother went to the ball herself
sigh
*wakes up early on weekend
*makes 12 pancakes
*wakes kids up“Daddy, can we have waffles today???”
*eats 12 pancakes
Exec 1: So, you wait in long lines. No shade. Crying kids. Drinks cost $7.00.
Exec 2: Nice. What do we call it?
E1: Lol, “amusement park.”
My credit card was confiscated three days ago.
Jeff bezos just called to make sure I was okay.
I wish I gave Darth Vader different last words.
Before he died, I wanted him to mutter, “I should have stuck to pod racing.”
My 2020 gratitude journal is written entirely in profanity.
Sometimes I’ll see a tree so odd looking I’ll think, “if I drew that tree perfectly people would think I can’t draw a tree.”
This is worse than season 7 of The Walking Dead
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Played twister with my kids and now hold the world record for saying, “That’s not your left foot” a billion times.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
When I eat a rotisserie chicken it scares everyone in the car I’m driving.
‘Worcestershire’ sounds like the most awful shire a Hobbit could possibly live.
My couch doubles up as a bed, a work station, a cheeto hiding place…. it’s like the other furniture isn’t even trying!
Quit smoking.
Quit playing loud music.
Quit trying to makeout with me while I’m driving.– things my BF and Uber driver say to me
I love when I open my dryer door and money falls out instead of my cat.
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
A little discriminatory towards Jesus.