I spent a lot of my childhood worrying about wearing red clothes and being chased by cows
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Strudel me like one of your toaster girls
[first day as a snake charmer]
me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what
cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*
[Bar]
SEXY GIRL: Wanna go back to my house?
ME: That’s ok, thanks, I have my own house[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
If the government keeps doing nothing for much longer, it will get its own reality show on E!
LMAOOOOOOOOOOOOO
Guy: I’m an organist
Me: what you got against organs?
ME: I shot a man in Reno–
YOU: Just to watch him die? haha
ME: I’m a desert photographer, Russell, you know this.
Never mess with a drunken pig.
(Court)
Judge: You’re on trial for excessive use of astronomy puns. How do you plead?Defendant: *leans in until lips are on mic* No comet.
Patron: I’ll have the french toast
Waiter, donning a beret and raising a glass: oui oui, mon amie
Old lady: I swallowed a spider in my sleep
Doctor: that’s quite normal
Old lady: and then a bird
Doctor: what
We have an enclosed back yard with only a narrow opening near the driveway and a duck was going back and forth at the back looking at the fences like he didn’t know how to get out so I shouted down “Dude, you can FLY!”
When you get mad but you’re one of the nicest people ever…😂🐮🐑
With the right person, there is no such thing as inappropriate behavior.
You didn’t want to camp out with me to buy the new ABBA album. If you change your mind, I’m the first in line.
My 2yr old tells people that grandma goes to a booty shop. My mom asks that I help her say beauty correctly, but this way is much more fun.
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
Me: I can’t come into work today. The vibe is off.
Boss: Holy shit take all the time you need
I’m curious about the first person who saw an egg drop out of a chicken & said, “I’m going to eat that.”
“The best eggs are stolen,” I said.
“Poached,” my wife corrected. “Poached.”
Eating the sticker on an apple counts as 35% of your daily fiber intake.
the only thing i remember about my school’s gifted program was learning about whales.
what was it about whales that the other kids weren’t ready for? the mystery haunts me to this day.
condom commercials should just be a live-feed of couples trying to enjoy a decent meal at a restaurant with their kids
❤️❤️❤️
*wakes up to wife and son screaming*
me: What are you guys yelling about?
them: YOU’RE DRIVING
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
The only good thing about daylight saving time is tricking kids into bed early
The best way to break up with your vampire boyfriend is over a stake dinner.
There should be a guy with a leaf blower to dry my hands in the washroom at Home Depot.
Make your first kiss more memorable by letting them know about your sci-fi themed weapon collection moments before your lips touch.