Husband: You have a chip on your shoulder.
Me: You know that’s untrue because I would have already eaten it.
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Due to rising prices, Dollar Tree is changing their name to ‘Tree Fiddy’.
the worst part about looking for the bathroom in the wrong part of a restaurant is walking back past everyone you just passed. now everyone knows 2 things about you: you have to pee and you are lost, like a toddler
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
me *breaking the fourth wall*
architect: oh no
[end of a job interview]
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If you could become half robot, would you do it?
Him:
Me:
Him: Which half?
When a Midwesterner buys something at a significant discount it’s important to deflect any compliments about the item and explain how cheap it was
Me: are you doodling?
My kid:
My kid: idk I just saw you coming in and tried to look busy
Holy moly
Me: *finger painting with the lights off* so what do you think?
Witch Girlfriend: not what I meant when I said I’m into the dark arts.
[Arguing with a guy over who’s tougher]
*takes toothpick from mouth* “When I started chewing this it was a full grown spruce.”
You could date someone willing to catch a grenade for you I guess that’s cool but how about someone who always carries a tennis racket, wouldn’t that be a bit smarter?
My parents are coming so I’ve put drop sheets over the entire house to look like we’re in the middle of painting. I don’t want them to know we live like this.
Thought I was having a good hair day. Mother Nature likes to keep my ego in check though.
She’s really good at that.
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying) Nobody likes me
ME: I like you
ACQUAINTANCE: (crying harder) Nobody good likes me
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
Cop: Anything you say can and will be held against you.
Me: SCARLETT JOHANSSON
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
16yo [talking w friend]: fam that’s lit af, tell bae and the squad that it’s on fleek
PARENT: *calls 911* i think my kid’s having a seizure
My anxiety is so bad I keep thinking that I forgot to shut the garage door and I don’t even have a garage.
Me My dog
Sing like no one is listening.
Dance like you need to be shot with a tranquilizer dart.
If you ever ask me what my favorite of something is, it is guaranteed that I will forget everything I’ve ever loved, mumble some nonsense and run away.
“20 McNuggets for $5? That’s like a quarter a nugget!” I exclaimed, hoping that my dinner date would be impressed with my math skills.
I always carry a pocket knife, because I never know when I’ll need to slice open a pocket.
my thigh gap is just a painted tunnel by Wile E. Coyote
People that whistle in public have at least one body buried in their backyard.
Every time you make a typo, the errorists win.
[Barber gets out a small mirror to show an owl the back of its head]
Owl: No I got it *rotates*
Owl: Wait where’d it- *rotates*
Owl: Ok help
Psychiatrist – If you’re stuck in an elevator who would you want to be stuck in there with?
Me – An elevator repairman.