Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
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Doc this part of my evaluation where it says psychotic, can you change it to madcap?
ME: *sighs* yep, story of my life
EDITOR: please stop saying that every time you hand me a draft of your autobiography
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
If you don’t like someone, set them free. If they come back, use pepper spray.
If you see a “lost & found” box in the proctologist’s office keep walking.
[at park, walking puppy]
Stranger: ‘Aww such a cutie…how old?’
Me: *blushing* ‘Thank you. 49.’
Screw your Twitter Crushes and Twitter Husbands and Twitter Nemeses. I want a Twitter Penguin. I want a pet penguin, but only on Twitter.
I just checked Web MD and I have everything
Me *digging my own grave*: see, I do have to do EVERYTHING around here
me: [sneaking out of a funeral] this is DEAD boring lol
mourner: [whispering] hey where’s the priest going
I bet Hell is sitting in front of every person you know while a slideshow of all of your deleted selfies is played on a loop.
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
“We ran out of guacamole so I mashed up one of those worms from the tomato plants and put it on your burrito. It looked kinda the same.”
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
When you die, you can now have your remains scattered by drone across the UK. It helps if you’re cremated, but it’s not as funny
I could easily defuse any bomb as long as the bomb squad guy told me what to do through the headset
You wouldn’t believe all of the Easter eggs I just found lying in the grass outside of this pre-school.
When the sour cream you forgot about in the back of the fridge growls at you, that means it’s went bad, right?
Friend: So, how did you two meet?
Husband: In a bar.
Wife: The air had just begun to take a chill, I remember I was wearing a new scarf. Change was in the air, but I had no idea my whole life was about to be turned in upside down. When I walked into the dimly lit pub…
When someone points at your black clothes and asks whose funeral it is,
having a look around the room and saying ‘Haven’t decided yet’ is typically a good response.
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
When your 1st kid crawls into your bed, you carry them back to theirs. 2nd kid crawls into your bed, you let them stay because you’re tired. When the 3rd kid gets into your bed, you go sleep in theirs and it’s the best night you’ve had in 8 years.
[first weekend away from the kids]
ME: lemme sleep 5 more minutes
PRISON GUARD: ma’am your husband posted bail Friday
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
Me: I’m going for a walk
Wife: Huh! I thought you were going to make fried rice?
Me: Yes, but you said to cook that right, I’ll need to use a walk
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
A woman could tweet “My dog just died” and she would get replies like “Well, I’m not dead ;)”
Canadians are only nice because we put all of our negativity in the geese and ship em off to Florida every year.