Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
You Might Also Like
Someone pissed on the bus driver’s passes this morning. No, not literally. That smell is from the back seats.
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
THERAPIST: Your notes say that you “scare easily” and are “quite disagreeable”.
ME: *from behind the couch* That’s not true.
At the park, my daughter & I saw an old man gardening at a church next door. He smiled & tossed a pale root vegetable over the fence at me. We didn’t speak the same language so I dunno what it is, but I planted it & it’s growing like crazy. This is how a Stephen King novel starts
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Do Russia and Uganda realize if they put all their gay people in jail then jail will become the nicest part of their country?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
“I’m not really a big dog person.” – lying werewolf
Unsure if you want kids or not? My son told me he throws the grapes that “look funny” behind the couch and I just found his secret pile of rotting fruit.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
Teenager grumpily walks into the kitchen rubbing her eyes.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry, did me making my lunch at 11 AM disturb your slumber?
If you want to go on a wild adventure then just let your kid make up the rules for a board game
British seasons:
Spring: Two months
Summer: Eight minutes
Autumn: Three weeks
Winter: Seven years
ufo crew: why are we hovering?
ufo captain: i wanna pet those dogs
ufo crew: why not land?
ufo cap: those talking monkeys are annoying af
*asks every guy at speed dating*
“Are you going to drink that?”
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
The neighbor has a sign next to the sidewalk under his tree reading, “Caution, this tree has a history of dropping branches.” A “history”? Does this tree have a rap sheet? Is he a bad influence on my trees?
Thank goodness my food comes pre-murdered. I don’t know if I could do that.
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
sure, i could keep my thoughts to myself but i can’t see “likes” in my journal
My coffee tastes like murder is off the table, for now.
Simple
When we’re leaving a hotel room we check drawers we didn’t even use at least five times.
“Some people call me the space cowboy, some call me the gangster of love. Some people call me Maurice, cause…”
Barista: I’m writing “Mo”.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
#MayweathervMcgregor.
Right now, Danny Ocean is robbing the Bellagio.