I asked my doctor if I’m healthy enough for sex and he told me I’m not even sexy enough for health.
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Everybody was Feng Shui fighting, those cats improved my ambient lighting.
Me: [trying to put on pants]
Apple Watch: Would you like to log this workout?
[accidentally calls teacher “mom”]
MY BRAIN: shit, play it cool. say something.
ME: what’s for dinner tonight
BRAIN: what
Motel 6: We’ll leave a light on.
Motel 6’s Dad: You will not.
“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
All those years of getting horrible elementary school pictures was just society’s way of preparing you for your driver’s license photo.
rent? again? no no you must be mistaken, i only just recently paid rent last month
Me: But what will I eat?
Nutritionist: *provides me with a list of healthy foods*
Me:
Nutritionist:
Me: But what will I eat?
Cops are raiding Justin Bieber’s house looking for eggs. Seriously. Eggs. I can’t make this shit up. This is why other countries hate us.
To the jogger clinging to the hood of my car:
That’s why you run WITH the flow of traffic
Them: you know what’s good for depression? Fish and nuts
Me: *slaps them around the face with a tuna and kicks them in the nuts
…you’re right, I do feel better now.
Having a child in your house is like having a sticky poltergeist. Fingerprints everywhere. Shit disappears and reappears at random times and places. Not to mention the odd, seemingly disembodied wailing
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
My wife steals my fries as if she identifies as a seagull.
I’m watching TV with close captioning on for the same reason a lot of people of a certain age do, because I’m eating chips.
One of the benefits of eating healthier is that you never have to ask questions like, “Who ate my kale?”
I wonder how many people have moved to Carlsbad, CA just to spite someone named Carl
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus
Bruce Wayne’s poop is not only crazy, it’s batshit
I’m like Pac-Man because I travel in the dark to Dippin’ Dots stands to eat them, all while getting chased by members of the Ku Klux Klan.
ME[David Attenborough voice] Starting with the outer layers he’ll devour the entire carcass
HER: are you narrating yourself eating lasagna?
Apparently everyone was too high in the 70’s when Grease came out to notice that every “student” at Rydell High looked like they were 35
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
Let’s put the delete button next to the most important, most used button on this app, lol
~App developers probably
After spicing things up in the bedroom, don’t rub your eyes for at least 30 minutes.
My kid went from saying “please” to “do it” and I really enjoyed my time with her but I think we’re over now.
Oh eggs, through yonder window break. For I am the olive oil, and Juliet is the vinegar. Salt to taste. Blend to desired thickness
– Romayo and Juliet
Going to open a Vietnamese restaurant and name it Viet Nom Nom Nom.