Everyone at Thanksgiving table:
Me: Wait I thought you said bring a side piece
You Might Also Like
Me: You’re going to disagree with this statement.
Wife: No I’m not.
H: Do you like carpet or prefer it bare?
M: I’m OK with a little carpet of she shaves the rest
H: We’re talking about floors
M: HR again?
Hate your job as a calendar maker?Need a way to get fired? Easy.
( •_•)
( •_•)>⌐■-■
(⌐■_■)
Just take a day off
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
Why do girls keep giving me their fax numbers?
That awkward laugh when they’ve said something innocuous, but you’re thinking something incredibly dirty.
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
It’s hard to stay mad at Kanye when you remember he once threatened to move to Oklahoma and live at his aunt’s house
My dog talks a lot of shit for something that is scared of cotton balls.
To the guy who turned the entire first floor of his house into a giant ball pit – I will find you, and I will marry you
They should punish kids who do well in school with more homework to prepare them for what happens to people who are efficient at their jobs.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
I knew my 5yo was growing up too fast when he tried to take his shoes off and said “I don’t like bending down anymore”
Every night at I say baby do you want to snuggle and watch tiktok
He hands me the remote and goes to bed
And that’s how it’s done
My plumber asked me for a Google review. I said I thought it was a really good search engine and I’d give it 8/10.
THE BREAKFAST CLUB (1985): Five white heterosexual suburban American 17-year-olds manage to find common ground.
My son told me he got me something “pretty expensive” for Christmas, and if it’s not a vacation home in Bora Bora I’m disowning him.
I just saw a couple walking and they both had ankle monitors, which just goes to show that there’s someone for everybody.
[Job Interview]
Boss: What’s your biggest weakness?
Me: *pulls laminated card out & hands it to him*
Card: “My over-preparedness.”
Harry Potter accidentally hits ‘reply owl’
After years of music lessons my kid asked me what an F hashtag was so clearly I can stop saving for Juilliard
“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Hey yea man, send me that YouTube link. I’m definitely gonna watch it and not just default send back “lol” after a few minutes.
Jacob Marley: You will be haunted, by three spirits
Me: Ok, like that’s any worse than being haunted by the stupid thing I said in science class back in 2000.
SEGA: we have the fastest creature alive
Nintendo: oh shit, your mascot is a cheetah?
SEGA:
Nintendo:
SEGA: well that would have made sense