You just found Jesus?
The rule is if no one claims him in 30 days you can keep him.
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*on phone*
He: so where is this going, babe?
Me: *dumps pop rocks into mouth* I can’t hear you…reception’s bad!!
me: whoa you think I’m buff?
them: no, we said buffoon
[Waking up]
Me to me: I see my assassin failed.
Florida be like…
There is nothing like the sound of a child’s laughter to remind you that your apartment is haunted.
Remember that time you confused a life lesson for a soulmate.
I put “the rap” in therapy.
Yo, yo.
Emotional baggage, bitter like cabbage. Rollin up the green like a Hulked out savage. Burger, Inc.
Yeah, I don’t think this is how it works
me: *slides $10 to barista* you know what to do
barista: [when my drink is ready] Brad Pitt!
me: oh no i’m not him lol. people confuse us all the time though.
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
*notice roommate’s tampon wrappers in bathroom garbage*
*hides all my chocolate*
Me: I’m exhausted, going to sleep so good tonight
My brain at 3 AM: when Dora loses her map what does she use to find it?
I have been using teeth whitener, and now they are completely oblivious to the experiences and sufferings of other peoples.
Kids are away so I’m taking my wife out tonight.
-Like with an assassin or are you doing it yourself?
Um, like…to dinner.
-Cool, cool.
[at the gun store]
Me: I’ll take that gun & a box of ammo
Clerk: that’ll be $250
Me [with a gun & a box of ammo]: no
Me flirting at a party
me: so what’s your major
her: radiology
me: oh cool AM or FM?
The sculpture of Amelia Earhart in the Burbank airport doesn’t give me that warm fuzzy feeling before flying.
Peter Pan is my favorite story about how running away from all your problems will allow you to remain youthful and to possibly fly someday
People are so nosy, always asking me what I just injected into their neck. Don’t worry about it!
I’m sorry I hosed off your toddler as he walked by my house but I can’t afford to get sick right now.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Be nice or I’ll put you in my novel and won’t change your name
The dog ate my unified theory of the universe.
I’m beginning to think “hindsight is 2020” was some kind of message from a future time traveler that we all misunderstood.
Apparently I have to stop yelling ‘dear god why do bad things always happen to good people’ every time my mil walks through the door
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.