The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.
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can’t believe I got front row seats
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
I don’t know about you, but I could really go for a punch in your face right now.
Italians speak with their hands, but I’m more efficient.
I only need one finger to get my point across.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
When I say “seriously!” with either of the eyebrows raised, it could be a thinly disguised euphemism for wtf!!!
If you want people to stop talking,
pull out a stop watch, start it and keep staring at it.
hm so saying “oh god” and “oh yes” during sex is acceptable and encouraged but as soon as i say “oh text RESIST to 50409 to support net neutrality” im suddenly ruining the mood??
Oh to be a 1998 baby
✔️ first memory is 9/11
✔️ watches parents lose their jobs in 2008
✔️ graduates into global pandemic and looming recession
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
Me: I lost 35 pounds today.
Wife: [sigh] Can you stop saying that every time you lose our oldest child?
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
We’ve all got that one family member who’s an embarrassment and this restraining order suggests my family’s settled on me.
DETECTIVE: Where were you on the night of July 11th?
WALDO: (slides book across the table) You tell me, boss.
Magician: Pick a card, any car…
Me: Charizard
Magician: no, like a normal card
Me: Ohhhhh…Snorlax then
In Maryland we can’t legally carry concealed weapons so our best defense against being murdered is the zig-zag runaway.
As I’ve gotten older, my “fear of missing out” has been replaced by my “fear of being invited out.”
Dental office: Your husband had two teeth pulled this morning, so he’s going to need a ride home.
Me: Ok, how’s next week for you?
This place is like batting practice with tomatoes.
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
‘If more than one mouse is mice,
then more than one Spouse is Spice.’
Sorry. Not sorry
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
It was pouring rain. As I walked into the store, my feet slipped & I slid toward a random man walking out. He had a huge bag of pet food on his shoulder. The panicked look on his face as he tried to decide whether to drop the bag & grab me or NOT was a like a whole Russian novel.
There are 7 air fresheners and only 1 soap dispenser in my office bathroom. Make of that what you will
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.