me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
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*during sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you unload the bloody dishwasher like I asked?
Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”
The only reason i’m not practicing bungee jumping is because i refuse to be weighed.
Cat: Meow
Me: Meow
Mom: Why do you do that?
Me: Silly, huh?
Mom: No, reckless! Do you even know what you said? What if you told him he’s fat
Wizard of Oz (1939) A hapless brain injured teen is led down the wrong path to heroin, cosplay, organ harvesting and ultimately homicide
Hot waitresses give me anxiety. I don’t need some babe rolling up on me while I’m jamming food in my face.
Me: My friend is having a birthday party for his dog.
Her: How old is he?
Me: (Sigh) Too old to be having a birthday party for his dog….
I asked the wife what she wanted for her birthday and all she said was ‘after all this time you know what I like, surprise me’.
Anyone know how to go about the harvesting and storing of souls?
“I heard you were responsible for like 30 million deaths. That’s crazy.” Jimmy Fallon interviewing Stalin
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
A thief broke into a car and only stole a Kit Kat. Who leaves a Kit Kat in a car unattended?
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
It’s funny how a girl can remember a slightly inappropriate comment you made 10 years ago but not the directions to her friends house
HER: I’m ending this
ME: why?
HER: you’re way too literal
ME: I promise I can change
HER: prove it
ME: *puts on a different shirt*
REALTOR: You’ll LOVE this home-
ME: My dog doesn’t like it.
REALTOR: But I-
ME: [holding dog in realtor’s face] I TRUST HIM MORE THAN YOU
My cat is walking a very fine line between being cute & being sold to the Korean restaurant down the street.
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
Sorry if I’m a little jumpy today. I had to open one of those biscuit cans this morning
Prince: Rapunzel, let down your hair.
Rapunzel: Hair, you’ll never be beautiful, you’ll always have split ends.
*hair is super let down*
We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
I love how NASA can send a radio signal billions of light years away but my wifi is as sketchy as a tinder date.
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
I startled my dog as she was peeing on a mailbox so now the dog she was leaving a message for is only gonna get half of it
My former boss’s wife posted a photo of their youngest child on Facebook and I commented, “you’re right, he does look just like me!”
And now we wait…
Sorry to burst your bubble, but your waiter doesn’t really think your choice was excellent.
We get it, Aaron. You like vowels
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
“your sock has a hole in it” yeah no shit that’s how i get my foot in there linda