My superpower is turning food and drink into larger pants.
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A rabbit has a father who has a big hair care product empire and wonders if one day his child will become the Hair heir hare.
A jealous woman…can make the FBI look like mall security.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
Reverse Edgar Allan Poe be like, Quoth the Peacock, “Alwaysless.”
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
My husband’s car radio is broken and stuck on a country station. I feel personally victimized when I have to ride with him.
detectives are always like “what were u doing the night of april 5th” i literally couldn’t tell u what i was doing 6 hours ago bro just lock me up
settle down twitter crush. i didn’t ask your last name to google you. i wanted to see how it sounded with the names i’ve picked for our kids
Dog:
Me:
Dog:
Me:
Dog: *spits out pill*
Me: DAMMIT!
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
Marriage counsellor: What’s the problem?
Wife: He is so literal. It drives me mad.
MC: And how do you feel, Stephen?
Me: With my hands.
“What’s the worst that could happen?” I ask my son, as we enter the bear enclosure in matching Winnie the Pooh costumes
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
*pokes sex life with a stick
Doing the New York Times crossword puzzle in pen means you’re smart unless you’re doing it on an iPad.
WISE MAN 1: i bring Him gold, for He is king of kings
WISE MAN 2: i bring Him frankincense, for He is to be worshipped
WISE MAN 3: i bring Him myrrh, for praise in life and death
ME: and i signed the card, for i thought we were all sort of going in on this together
Nephew drops my iPad, doesn’t say sorry but proceeds to offer me a biscuit.
His future in Politics is secure.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
What kinda psychopath tries to get in touch with someone by calling them on the phone. What is this…1984?
KIDS: [from the kitchen] dad…may we have ice cream?
ME: no you may not
[long pause]
K: dad…may we be forgiven if we already had ice cream?
[immigration hall]
Agent: are you traveling for business or pleasure?
Me, after flying 8 hours for revenge: both
As of last night my mom has more Aerosmith tattoos than my sister again. For now anyway.
“This is the coolest underwater sci-fi movie ever.”
-me, drunk, watching the pool vac
Chameleon wife: “Does my bum look big in this dress?”
Chameleon husband: “What dress? Where are you?”
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
*Sees old 1987 ford mustang and gets in* Lets see if this baby still works *pulls baby out of backpack* *baby cries* Great! *Puts it back*