Me: I’ve decided to be the girl from The Grudge.
Friend: For Halloween?
Me: For what?
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Don’t know how to delete tweets so please disregard the one earlier in which I angrily accused my enemies of breaking into my house without any signs of forced entry and stealing only my favourite red t-shirt as part of an evil mind game. Just realised I was already wearing it
Sounds like thunder outside, but it’s 2020, might be King Kong for all I know.
Just met up with my heroine dealer. Got three Wonder Womans and a She-Ra.
The human body can survive three weeks without food, three days without water but only three hours without wifi.
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
[God creating Neil deGrasse Tyson]
Neil deGrasse Tyson: actually that’s not how it happened
*sees cute girl on sidewalk*
nice
*she makes eye contact*
oh wow
*she smiles*
is this happening
*she’s holding a clipboard*
god dammit
An adult is a person who makes noise when they stand up.
I cleared the leaves out of my flower bed because I practice good floral hygiene.
Me: hear me out— a food truck that sells crab related products called “Crab and Go”
Gordon Ramsey: why are you in my bathtub
My son told me he had a loose tooth so I asked him which one and he said “Gary.” This little weirdo named each of his teeth!
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
My high-school wrestling coach called me “the raccoon” cause I was small but feisty and ate garbage and gave people lyme disease
me: I don’t negotiate with terrorists
wife: she’s three
me: I don’t care how many she is
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.
I showed up at Disney headquarters uninvited
I said I was there for a Rogue One cameo
That’s how I learned the security guards have Tasers
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
Life Coach: Tell me something you’ve done that’s amazing
Me: Once I sneezed so loud in a restroom, a paper towel dispensed automatically
The fortune teller flips over the tarot card and looks confused.
You lean forward to sneak a glance. “Is— Is that a flaming dumpster?” you ask nervously.
Ever notice that women say “scare you to death” while men say “scare the pants off you”?
Well played men, well played…
Pulls out flip phone, flips open, stares at screen, closes, clips back to hip.
Phone doesn’t even work; I do it for the ladies on the bus.
“Do you, Phil, take Amanda as your lawfully wedded wife? Will you honor and obey her? Will you take her in sickness and in health? Would you like to update Adobe Acrobat now, or later?”
I don’t think I cadaver study a dead body
Anxiety causes your body to store fat so that’s one more thing to be anxious about.
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
11: dad do you know what 3+3+3+3 is?
Me: 12
11:
Me:
11: ok I was just making sure that you’re not –
Me: choose your next words wisely.
Oh deer
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Some of you take selfies from so close up, I’m beginning to wonder if you’re a T-Rex.