Only 2 more days till the day after tomorrow
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I remember when I was 12, dad caught me smoking a ham; so to teach me a lesson he made me smoke an entire herd of piglets.
When my 2 y.o. throws a temper tantrum, I suddenly don’t feel so bad about leaving her with massive national debt & a destroyed environment.
[Crime scene]
Detective: the victim was high af when he died.. you could say it was
*takes off sunglasses*
D: blunt force trauma
we stopped at three kids. our cable spool dining table only seats five comfortably
young jesus: mom where do babies come from
joseph: [pulls up a chair] yea mary, where DO babies come from?
Worm gf: would you still love me if I was a human?
Me: eh… let’s eh… let’s talk about something more realistic ok
I don’t take a list. I let Costco tell me what I need.
Apple will start making Macs in America. In related news, Macs will now cost 3 billion dollars. #SOTU
rich people: i’m on a list?
lawyer: yes
rich people: forbes?
lawyer: no
My husband is bringing our puppy to the Farmer’s Market to socialize her. I am staying home and adding vodka to my coffee to socialize me.
Men who claim to only watch the #SuperBowl for the ads are the same ones who say they only read Playboy for the articles.
If you like piña coladas
And gettin’ caught in the rain
Then you need an umbrella
For your drink & your mane
13-year-old: Do you know where the cord is to the electric keyboard?
Me, knows exactly where it is: No.
Yep. Yep. Yep. Yeppity. Yep. Yeppers. Yep.
We’ll see. I don’t know. But, for sure! Maybe.– me receiving an invitation of any kind
Cashier: what’s with all the pineapple juice?
Me: *winks*
-Spends the night making delicious umbrella drinks with my cat.
Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
My microwave broke. So, we’re finding innovative alternatives. Did y’all know the surface on top of the oven heats up, too? Honest to God.
HER: I think we should break up
ME: But…why?
HER: I don’t know if it’s your terrible puns or the fact that you don’t “believe” in the color blue
ME {quietly to self}: Cyans fiction
HER: Or both
WHY not look a gift horse in the mouth what could it have in there
Shout out to jalapeños, or should I say holla peños.
I’m starting to think YouTube hasn’t done a very good job of raising my children.
Ladies time to start dating the older dudes
They can get you in the grocery store earlier
One of the coolest things about my new show being on HBO Max is that it’ll probably be released in theaters and on TV the exact same day.
“I’m $50 away from getting free shipping which is only $5 and what I want is $12 so I need to spend $38 more to save money.”
-my brain
Parenting is 10% knowing you would kill for your children and 90% suppressing the urge to kill them.
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
I once dated a girl for 3 months because we were stuck in a hammock.
Going to the place where all the good snacks are: The Gas Station
Preacher: God’s love is unconditional!
Me: Then why is there a hell?
Preacher:……
Me: Your move.
Everyone is awful in their own special way.