Watching my mother-in-law order at Starbucks is like watching a drunk gorilla try to start a car with a french fry.
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Please don’t ruin it for me by saying, “You don’t know where that’s been,” when I find something cool on the ground.
Greatest “Bad at sex” tweets of 2019
Choose your fighter!
Put the mosquitoes in charge of vaccine distribution do I have to think of everything around here
[time machine appears in my old bedroom]
FUTURE ME: Put that book down, go outside, and enjoy your youth.
YOUNG ME: [stunned] Okay, okay *runs outside*
[time machine ceases to exist]
FUTURE ME: Dammit. I really should have thought this through.
Eating vegetables is how to achieve inner peas.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Thanks for telling me I’m really funny ‘for a girl.’ You’re really stupid for a human.
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
You learn early in life not to play around in your mom’s purse. Especially things that look like a little can of silly string.
The mace stays in your lungs and eyes for life.
These days, I just want a manageable sandwich. Nothing that requires strategy.
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
My kid set up a play office then kicked me out so he could have a meeting, which…I mean…fair enough
Scanned a customer in the eyes with a barcode reader for being rude to me….
…should have seen the look on his face, it was priceless
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
The difference between running and jogging is that runners compete in races and joggers find dead bodies on Law and Order
My toxic trait is skipping the cart at the grocery store thinking I only need a couple things and then getting to the checkout with 57 things precariously balanced on various parts of my body.
See you when you get home from school, I whisper to my kid’s apple
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
I swear to god if my memory was any worse I could *bonk* WHO THREW THAT BOOMERANG?
channeling her this year
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
Blind Date: SWEET JESUS I DONT HAVE ANY EYES
Me: Of course you don’t, you’re a date
Blind Date: WHAT
Me: Kind of like a big raisin
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
Cats are tough negotiators, they leave nothing on the table.
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
I like eating Nerds because I’m secretly hungry for aquarium gravel and this takes the edge off.
hellofresh sends me more texts than my boyfriend.