Me: ‘Anyway, I think the songs here are just kinda made up and pretty terrible.’
Priest: ‘This isn’t how confession works.’
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5 year old: Does ‘Cupid’ mean ‘cute’ and ‘stupid’?
Me: It does now.
🍞🦆
Me: *stressed
My spouse: Do you want me here or do you want me to leave you alone?
Me, now a stressed psychopath: Both.
Alanis: I’m ready for this knife fight!
*Pulls out 10000 spoons*
No, YOU ploughed your car into your garage door because it was icy/you weren’t paying attention/whatever excuse is gonna get me out of trouble
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
My kidneys: WE NEED WATER!!
My bladder: Don’t listen to them.
Remember when we realized dinosaurs were really just giant birds and people were like “oh well that’s not very terrifying anymore” and then everyone who’s ever met a goose was like IT IS IN FACT MUCH MORE TERRIFYING NOW
I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
You can milk cows, goats, and on field soccer injuries.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
My husband got new earbuds. Think I’ll skip the middle man and put them straight in the washing machine.
Important reminders
Wonder when that family from Russia is going to realize I took a selfie instead of a photo of them standing in front of the Chinese Theatre.
[spelling bee]
Your word: Spelunking
“U-N-K-I-N-G”
“Be a deer, would ya” she says, mounting your head on the wall.
HER: [flirting] I bet you have a lot of skeletons in your closet.
ME: Haha no. Those bodies won’t show their skeletons for months.
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
the sequel to “Up” should be called “Up 2: No Good” who do I tell this to
Someone once told me I can’t say I hate camping if I’ve never been camping but I’ve never been stabbed in the eye and I can say with 100% certainty I would hate it so how’s this any different
Sometimes I run across a room really fast so a spider sees me out of the corner of its eye and spends the evening worrying where I’ve gone.
Tom Cruise has signed on for Mission Impossible V. His impossible mission is trying not to show up on everyone’s gaydar.
[shark-filled moat]
ROBIN: golly, Batman, how can we distract them?
BATMAN: *pushing him in* we’ll think of something, chum
The movie scene where discarded clothes lead to lovers in bed, except it’s my clothes leading to my wife picking them up and cursing me.
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
*slides $5 to the funeral director*
Maybe you can get me the widow’s phone number?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
If you don’t stop holding those grudges they’re never going to learn to walk on their own.
“It’s fine. I’ll get over it.”
TRANSLATION: I will remember every detail of what you did until I draw my last mortal breath.