I can’t afford a vacation. So I’m just going to drink until I don’t know where I am.
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told my husband I was going to start eating healthy again and he went and bought girl scout cookies like someone who doesn’t value his life
I’m not saying everything has gone to hell since David Bowie, Tom Petty, and Prince died, but…
*gestures at everything*
*orders pepperoni pizza*
Her: you need to start taking better care of yourself.
*calls back, adds mushrooms*
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
It’s wild how I barely notice the flavor of a cucumber when I bite into one, but when I taste an “infused” water I’m like BY JOVE, A CUCUMBER’S BEEN HERE I’D BET MY LIFE ON IT.
Impressing a girl who owns cats on our date by eating so fast I throw up
Some people just want to watch the world bake at 350° for 45 minutes.
[slips the bus driver £20]
“Maybe you let me ride the bus for free?”
if doctors are real how come I haven’t seen one in 29 years
Jesus: *tearing bread* this is my body
Disciples: ooh
Jesus: *pouring wine* and this is my blood
Disciples: ahh
Jesus: *putting Nickelback on Spotify* and this is How You Remind Me
me: these edibles aren’t doing anything
lamp: just give it a little time
Dating as an adult is hard because even when you do meet somebody you like there are very few opportunities to engineer a situation so that you’re cast opposite one another in a school play.
Love it when boxers go back to their corner to get advice between rounds. Did you try punching him and not letting him punch you? You did? Then I don’t know what to tell you. Keep doing that but more.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
What idiot called it the “number of Police Officers in the Precinct” and not the “Copulation”
Mechanic: the front shocks are shot. Did you hit a pothole?
Me: yes but I winced, patted the dash & said I was sorry so it can’t be that.
Her: I like how you did your hair today. Me: OMG thank you, I passed out in my closet last night.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
My phone just changed CrossFit to Croissant, this phone really knows me better than any human.
Had a king sized bed all to myself last night. Must be what Rose felt like on that door
Dance like no one’s watching & cook like someone else is cleaning up that shit.
Oh you’re a fan of egg whites? Name 3 of their albumens
[bar closing time]
Do you wanna come over to my place?
Her (flirtatious af): oh yeah
Ok hold on..
*dials phone*
Mom? Can you pick me up now?
I can’t come up with a guitar pun, but I won’t fret about it.
Remember in the boardgame Life when you had kids and collected money? HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
Veganism is responsible for The Fall.
Adam & Eve ate the fruit when they should have BBQ’d the snake.