One fun thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
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Good: The sweet sound of my child’s laugh
Bad: at 4 AM.
[at the hunting store]
Me: where’s the camo gear?
Clerk [winks]: exactly
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
It wasn’t no corona till y’all started balancing brooms in the house, y’all let the devil in
If you watch The Titanic backwards.. It’s about a magical boat that saves people.
WIFE: I’m starting to think my husband has lied about his profession.
WIFES FRIEND: Why?
[I walk through the door and hang up my McDonald’s visor]
ME: Hey honey I’m back from the lawyer factory.
Me: Hi, officer. I saw you coming up the driveway.
Cop: (sadly) Your son has been in an accident.
Me: I FLUSHED ALL MY DRUGS FOR THAT?!
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
if ur getting chased by a bunch of drunk 90’s kids just yell out “in west Philadelphia born & raised” then u got like 2 min to run
If the sprayer in the sink can’t get it off and the dishwasher can’t get it off then I assume it’s just meant to be a part of the pan.
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
When my boss is mad and takes it out on me, I do less work.
Can’t reward bad behavior with a positive response.
Training works both ways
*Rap battle*
Me: *lips on mic* PLEASE STOP DROPPING THE MIC. IT WAS A BIRTHDAY PRESENT FROM MY MOM.
Summer break is cool because I won’t be alone for the next 2000 hours of my life but at least I won’t have to pack anyone a lunch.
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
When someone reads your message, then never responds, it’s just hurtful.
I mean, what else could they possibly have going on at 3 AM?
me: hi i’m on the list
security: there is no list this is kohl’s
me: *slipping him 20 dollars in kohl’s cash* to the VIP section my good man
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
I never got in trouble when I was young. Guess I’m making up for that now.
I may have failed as a lifeguard in myriad ways, but don’t you dare say I wasn’t punctual.
me: I guess you could say I’m at the end of my rope
executioner: how are you talking
I’m going to buy a black Escalade with dark tint so my neighbors will think I joined the cartel and they’ll stop inviting me to over to their house.
The night is dark and full of terrors.
My day is long and full of meetings.
Same thing.
It’s not karma, you’re just an idiot.
Car names fall into two groups: those that basically say, “I’m pissed off with traffic jams so I’m gonna blow out of here and head off by myself down a dirt road.”
…And those that say “I’m elegant, civilized, and artistic.”
I’m terrified to death of someone stealing my identity and improving my credit
murderer: I can see your feet poking out from under your race car bed
me: just changing the oil