turning my gender off to conserve energy
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[drive thru]
GUY ON INTERCOM: can I help you
ME: yeah are you guys open
[at lunch with friend]
Friend: … but you didn’t hear that from me.
Me: [looking up from my phone] Hear what?
Friend: Exactly *winks*
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
They should advertise estimated end times for concerts where the crowd’s average age is over 30.
Look, ice cream has eggs in it, therefore it is a breakfast food.
Our junk drawer is so big, it starts at the front door and goes all the way to the back.
I told my 4yo daughter to believe in herself because she can be anything she wants to be so now she’s busy preparing for her future life as a dinosaur
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
I love how Hasbro’s Ouija Board sets the bar at 8 years old for communing with the dead.
Your greatness is measured by the font-size of your obituary. #AlsoNotoriety
A thread of some SAVAGE/DEEPEST REPLIES in “Black Panther”
1.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.
Cop searching my pockets: How does he have so many rocks!?
Just met Darth Vader’s very corrupt brother – Taxi Vader.
[Outside liquor store]
Underage kid: Hey mister, can you buy me some beer?
Me: Sure, if you show me how stories on Instagram work I’ll buy you black tar heroin.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
Me: I bumped into your Grandpa earlier
Wife: My grandpa has been buried in the graveyard for 10 years
Me: My driving test went really badly
Me, to my dog who is throwing up at the dog park: Bro, you are being so cringe in front of your friends.
I am trying to learn more about coding and some other computery type things and I think it’s been pretty neat. I see things like ‘this is a nested element’ and it’s like, yea, I like that. That element sounds cozy. I want to join it. Sit with it, talk and have some coffee.
Inflation is actually a good thing it means money is going viral
Me: And this small habitat is home to over 90% of the world’s bacteria
*tourists taking photos*
Me: Any questions? Yes. You there
Son: If you get these people to leave I’ll clean my room
please for the love of god wipe down your equipment after you use it!!! I hate when I finally get to the guillotine and it’s all bloody
At the start of last decade, I was at a high school party, watching my crush kiss my cousin. Now, 10 years later, I’m finally the one kissing my cousin.
I told him to drive me crazy in the bedroom, so he put the window blinds at different heights.
You can’t claim to like bad girls and then get mad when I rob you.
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
8: If I promise to be super super good all the way until I’m 10, can I get a phone for my 10th birthday?
Me: Ok. Can you put your lunch box away?
8: Nah, I’m kinda busy.
Me: I thought you were going to be super super good?
8: Yeah, I’m starting that when I’m 9.
I like to people-watch, but I’m an advanced people-watcher. When I spot another people-watcher, I like to watch them watching other people.
Decided to go to the public pool since my kids wouldn’t stop nagging me all summer about going and it wasn’t actually bad. I just wish I took the kids.
banks email like “Ummmmm we have a MESSAGE for you. In your INBOX” and then the message is like “Hello we are your bank”