*books 90 minute massage*
Me: DON’T TOUCH ME. I’m only here for the nap.
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Getting a text message from your ex is like getting a message from Satan on an Ouija board.
My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.
None of the parenting books prepared me for my teen asking me what “the carpet matches the drapes” means.
[Christmas]
6:30—kids are excited
7:30—kids are playing
8:00—kids are fighting
9:00—kids are crying
9:15—wife is yelling
9:30—I am drinking
The mid 90s teen aesthetic is making a comeback and I’m here for it- as a 40 year old who’s never actually outgrown the phase
My friends most commonly describe me as “who?”
Good thing Father’s Day is only one day. I don’t think I could stand to be a father longer than that.
Don’t change, I hate you just the way you are.
how come we never get to click boxes of dinosaurs or volcanoes why is it always vehicles
Every time we take our dog to obedience school I can’t help but think about everything that we did wrong when we were training our kids.
Me: *sets alarm for 7am*
Brain: Sounds important! I’m going to go ahead and wake you up three hours early
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
[About to sign divorce papers] and I definitely get to keep this pen?
I like how tinder repeats old faces you already swiped left, as though the longer you’re there the more desperate you get and the lower your standards drop until eventually you swipe them right
[trying to fall asleep]
SHEEP: count us
ME: im good, thanks
SHEEP: *louder* count us
ME:nope
SHEEP: *yelling* count us
ME:*sighs* one, two, thr…
SHEEP: follow us*one hour later*
ME: *knitting a scarf* this is so relaxing
I asked my 5yo niece if she was behaving and she told me that she was “behaving as good as a banana does” and now I have so many more questions
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
My mother & wife are scared to death of each other, so they both ask me to help word their emails to each other. So, the communication between my mother and wife has *evolved* into me writing emails to myself. They get along great lately. It took me too long to figure this out.
Asking the hard questions like:
Is this my fault?
Could I have prevented it?
How do I dispose of a body?
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
What do we want?
SNACKS!When do we want em?
AFTER DINNER!– kids.
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Welcome to the middle age, there is no more a 5 second rule coz who tf can lift stuff in 5 seconds
If someone asks us why we didn’t have kids I ask them how many people they’ve had sex with, and when the awkward silence hits it’s peak I’ll ask if I’m playing the none of your business game correctly.
Wrap toilet paper around you like a wedding dress and slowly get naked as you tear pieces off to blow your nose all day.
Every time you reply to a text from your ex, Taylor Swift completes another album.
Don’t be an enabler. Drop the phone.
*sees conditioner bottle is almost empty
*immediately buys new bottle of conditioner
*old bottle of conditioner lasts 6 more years
buying dead houseplants to save time