If you love something keep it in the refrigerator, keep it fresh, that thing you love is a lot like mayonnaise.
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1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
Mom was a minute late serving dinner. Again. I nearly starved.
~dog’s log, August 2nd, 2021
My eye keeps twitching. I’m no doctor, but I feel like eating a large quantity of bread and cheese will probably cure it.
INVENTOR OF THE CLOCK: all done! I just need to set it. what’s the time?
ASSISTANT: what’s the what
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
Let me make this abundantly clear
– window makers probably
I’m holding out for the fitness watch that tracks my heart rate and shocks me every time I pick up a bag of chips
we did it you guys we saved daylight
I could be an astrononaut. If it wasn’t for the in shape part. Or the science. Or the going into space.
Notes to my My normal
kids teacher handwriting
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
Ordering surgeries off the secret menu at the doctor’s office.
Turn that Robert Frowney Jr upside Downey Jr.
I don’t have an alarm clock, I have cats
My daughter forgot to bring her lunch to school today. It was delicious.
Son: This kid at school says really mean things to me
Me: I’ll have a word with him[Later]
Son: How did it go, Dad?
Me [trying to hide my red eyes] do you think I look like a potato?
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Wife: “No.”
*takes pants off*
*tries on another pair in The Gap change room*
*takes selfie, sends to wife*
Amazon Prime: can I take your order
Megatron: hi, I’d like… omg
Amazon Prime: *horrified* oh no
Megatron: YOU ARE Amazon Prime lol
Amazon Prime: *holding back tears* it’s just a job
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
[parole hearing]
OFFICER: are u reformed?
ME: I—
O: go on
M: I th—
O: tell us
M: I’m—
O: yes
M: can I finish my sentence
O: ok parole denied
My husband wants a fourth child. I hope his new wife will be good to my three.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
Put a mirror on the ceiling.
She said.
It will be sexy.
She said.
Terrify yourself every morning.
I found out.
cop: [pointing at me] he with you?
him: never seen him before
me: [welling up] what the hell Jerry we literally just robbed a bank together
CAT: mew
ME: indeed, u are correct kitty
CAT: mew
ME: well said, kitty, well saidFRIEND I FORGOT WAS THERE: are u ok…? Emotionally?
[news anchor]
“Up next, can more sex lead to a healthier & happier-”
*wife changes channel*
If I were a rapper I’d write a lyric like “Get money, make cupcakes. Must be winter ‘cuz I be frosting,” and my pseudonym would be One-Zee.