“Boss, I’ve got a probl-”
“There are no such things as problems, only opportunities”
“Oh, ok. I’ve got a serious drinking opportunity”
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Praying for someone else’s sins is the ultimate “I’d like to speak to the manager”
paramedic arriving on the scene: oh my god his face is totally disfigured
me: [only hurt my leg] what
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
[interview at J Crew]
interviewer: explain this gap on your resume
me: no
interviewer:
me: they made me sign a pretty thorough non-disclosure agreement
Standing outside your window holding a rotisserie chicken above my head.
Hot tip: If you’re going to wipe your hands on your clothes, wipe them on the INSIDE of your pants, where stains don’t matter. Anyway, officer, that’s why my hands were down my pants while eating these delicious ribs.
Don’t be sad dirty dishes, nobody’s doing me either.
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
Quest givers are like: “That’s close enough, Stranger. One more step and you’re scagg meat. Why don’t you turn around and start walkin’? Or you could help me with a deeply personal problem.”
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
The 2.0 in Twitter 2.0 stands for how many employees are left at Twitter.
The Great Wall of China is one of the 7 wonders of the world just because it’s a Chinese product that’s lasted more than a month.
You say tomato soup. I say ketchup soup. Cause the three year old won’t eat tomato soup.
Kids these days have no idea how rough we had it at their age… I used to have to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change a 3 channel TV 📺
Everyone goes through a phase where they think they can speak Italian
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
everyone defending oatmeal is like, “oh once i add 17 things to it, it tastes so good!”
My husband woke me up in the middle of the night, no, NOT for sex, but to ask me if I have any “dank memes”.
You don’t even wanna know how I beyond annoyed I am today.
If I were in a mob movie, my role would be “the fishes”, so everyone would end up sleeping with me.
“What’s your favourite Pixar film?”
“Up, yours?”
“No need to be like that I was only asking”
The human urge to say “Don’t worry, I’m over it” and then talk about it for the next 20 years.
Put the is in disheveled
A pile of inside out bathing suits can be found by the rotisserie chickens because I couldn’t find a dressing room at Costco.
I don’t think there’s anything going on with Taylor Swift and Travis Kelce. I think she went to the game for the same reason any of us do, hoping that they’ll run out of players and the coach will see us in the stands and be like “call me crazy, but this might just work”.
There’s a stomach bug going around the daycare. I took the elevator with a dad who’d had it just the day before. He gave this strain rave reviews. He threw up just once after dinner and then was completely fine.
I can’t wait for my family’s turn.
My bank statement is just a visual record of bad decisions.
[wearing a negative pressure suit and a space helmet]
Her: Are you really that worried about the virus?
Me: Virus?
“Face my fears?” Lol what am I, brave?
in the original Little Mermaid, Flounder was meatier. if you saw him on someone’s plate on a restaurant you’d go “i’ll have THAT.” This new one does not look appetizing and could not satisfy me.
[before surgery]
doctor: we’re going to put you to sleep now. have you done this before?
me: yes, every night