older women will do that thing you like.
~bake cookies
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Magneto spent his high school years dating girls with braces.
Big brouhaha at the farmer’s market today when the fishstand guy set up next to the candle lady and no one could smell her candles and her boyfriend the homemade soap guy tried to intervene but ended up buying a fresh cut salmon.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
Client, “I just want to be in the best place possible after this divorce.”
Me, “Well, since you got caught cheating on your wife of 22 yrs, I’m thinking your best place is probably living in your parent’s basement with your 22 yr old girlfriend, Chad.”
Daughter: dada what are you watching?
Me: my favorite movie A Quiet Place.
Son: what’s it about?
Me: a kid gets eaten by a monster for playing too loud.
[later]
Wife: why are the kids so quiet today?
Me: no idea lol.
one time i was listening to some really cool people having a conversation when one of them suddenly turned to me & asked, “what are you doing here?”
It’s a bird.
It’s a plane.
No its…“Steve, you’re fired. Air traffic control just isn’t for you.”
LEAVE ME ALONE GRANDMA I’M ENTERTAINING LITERALLY TENS OF PEOPLE ON THE INTERNET
Executioner: last words?
Me: pop
Executioner: we say soda here
Me:
Executioner: say soda
Warden: bro it’s LAST words he won’t-
Executioner: I’M NOT PULLING TIL HE SAYS SODA
Fill the piñata with goat intestines to teach children about the brutal consequences of violence.
I never answer my door because it’s always someone trying to get me to switch to Verizon or someone trying to get me to switch to God and I’m not interested in either of those services
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
Every day, I win arguments from 10 years ago in the shower.
You can’t simply wear purple corduroys, you must sport them
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
*turns on internet*
computor, i need to take a break from trying to achieve one thing. show me all of the achievments of others all at once
As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I’ve been inventing problems to hide the fact that I spend all my time on twitter. But it’s cool because now my kid thinks I know how to fix the leaky drip tray on the piano and can properly set a fallen eagle’s broken wing.
It’s not a family vacation until someone threatens to throw a prized possession from a moving vehicle.
I stood on the scale with one leg in the air and still weighed the same wtf.
(Showing off new car)
Father-in-law: Looks good, what engine has it got?
Me: *ultra confident* a grey & black one
Proofreading services too expensive? Try proof skimming! For only $10, I’ll flip through your book and say “yeah, whatever, it’s probably fine.”
Bean bag chairs are venus fly traps for anyone over 35.
The Internet: An electronic version of, “Now, why did I walk into this room?”
As I’m loudly interrogating my stuffed animals on why I’m single, I realize why I’m still single.
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”