Naw, I don’t have jaundice. Just accidentally grabbed the wrong color foundation again.
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When people start praying before a meal, I close my eyes and imagine how far I could throw a potato if I really put my heart into it.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
It’s kind of comforting to know that no matter what you might be going through in life, that glitter you barely touched 12 years ago will always be there, on your face, making you look like an idiot.
[airplane nose dives]
*turns to kid behind
‘Could you please stop kicking my seat!’
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
My wife said if she heard me chewing one more time, she was going to murder me. So I stole the batteries from her hearing aids.
Me: what was with King Solomon having 300 concubines?
Bible scholar: it’s a mistranslation
[Flashback]
King Solomon: more porcupines
A haunted house would be pretty scary if it was filled with light switches that accidentally turned on the garbage disposal.
Once upon a time, a man poured himself a glass of red wine and sat down on his wife’s white couch that no one was allowed to eat or drink on…
my cat has the hiccups and he’s trying to lick his own belly and every time he hiccups he looks around like who the hell did that
A person on the check out saw my son holding a dinosaur toy & tried to play with him saying “ahh will it eat me!?” & he just looked at her, with the straightest, most confused face ever, and said “no, it’s a herbivore” 😂 #Autism
[Commercial for babies]
*100 year old woman trying to feed a brick a bottle of milk*
“There’s got to be a better way”
I didn’t really mind the voices in my head until one of them started their own podcast
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
same bro
can I just say I hate that working out gives u energy and mental clarity like… why couldn’t it have been sleeping and laying down why does it have to be exercise it’s so rude
Guys? How do you spell ‘in your window’? Like when someone is flirting inappropriately and is making sexual in your window?
Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
Gang Leader: If you wanna join, you need to prove you’re fearless
Me: People ask me to social events and I actually go
Gang Leader: *takes step back* holy shit
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Every time I see someone use cause in place of because I’m tempted to ask what cause they are referring to… clean air? a cure for cancer?
Be specific with your causes, people.
I wish I had remembered this was a rectal thermometer before I’d put it in my mouth for 3 minutes.
My neighbors just got new wind chimes. Guess who is going to have their wind chimes stolen tonight?
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
*makes eye contact with beautiful woman across fancy restaurant*
Waiter, send that woman a glass of your finest Sprite.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
i should be the upstairs neighbor. i should be the one spilling marbles. it should be me up there
It took 14 years, but 14’s feet finally stopped growing and now I’m rolling in so much shoe money.
Me: one mcflurry please
Cashier: the machine is down
Me: awe then one for the machine too
Oh, so it’s cute when my toddler says “all done” and hangs up mid call on the phone to my in-laws but when I do it I’m “out of line”.