I dunno man, I think if Ariel saw this version of the human world she’d have jumped back into the ocean with or without her mermaid tail.
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[commercial for salad]
Do you want to feel sad when you eat?
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Going to show my kids before and after pictures of Lindsay Lohan and say this girl didn’t think she needed a nap either.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
“He’s behind me, isn’t he.”
“Yep.”
“Is he making that stupid face?”
“Yep.”
his palms are sweaty, knees weak, palms are sweaty. he forgot his lyrics already, palms are sweaty
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
As a parent when you hear a bang
you wait
There’s an eerie silence that
your kid is either fine
or filling their lungs with a wail the volume of an air raid siren
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
If we sneezed Windex instead of spit I bet my neighbors would be cool with me standing at their window.
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Keep your marriage fresh by taking a scenic drive so you can argue with a beautiful view.
Just once I’d like the guy hired to kill me to complete the job and not fall in love with me.
Before I had my son, I used to hate kids.
Now I just hate yours.
I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
i used to side with chief brody but now i’m team mayor because the shark’s only gonna eat 1-2 more people & he’ll be stuffed. we’ll sell soo many shark toys
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
[Kids party]
Wife: did you hire a magician like I asked?
Me: yep
[Backyard]
Mortician: next we’ll cut open the chest cavity like so…
I swear if I see one more person enter this WalMart wearing pajamas I am going to take the belt off my bathrobe and choke them with it
Just found out that “3 Men and a Baby” isn’t a movie about Jesus’s birth.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
I think it’s important for us as a society to ensure that the person who manages the flavors for Oreo and the person who manages the flavors for Mountain Dew never meet.
The rest of you just need to get fat because I don’t feel like going to the gym anymore…
[AGM of potato mashers]
“Tremendous effort this year, guys. Our overall ‘drawer opening smoothly’ prevention rate was 73%. That’s up 11% on last year, thanks to you big stainless steel bastards, but we can’t be complacent while the scourge of people who hang us on hooks remains”
Me: Where are the kids?
Wife: Mom’s
Me: *getting excited* Really?! Are you thinking what I’m thinking?
W: Almost certainly not
Did you seriously hire a mentally unstable person to drive our kids just so you could say he’s driving them crazy?
Me as a principal: Maybe
you ever stop and think to yourself, “why am I reading the Wikipedia page for Whale Oil?”