Me: ‘Tell me another scary story.’
Pharmacist: ‘Sir, for the last time, they aren’t stories.’
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Someone claimed that their dog could retrieve a ball from up to a mile away, sounds a bit far fetched to me.
📽️movie date🎞️
6: how do you spell once?
Me: o-n-c-e
6: how do you spell upon?
Me: u-p-o-n
6: how do you spell-
Me: what are you doing?
6: writing a story. how do you spell…
It’s going to be a long weekend.
have respect for every human life. we are all made in gods image. big computers on top. buncha important balloons in the middle. stilts.
Laughter really is the best medicine. Unless you have STDs then talk to your doctor.
yall pray for me, nothing’s wrong im just in college
Untitled Goose Monstress
Lol jk of course her name is Megoosa
I told my 3-year-old the beans in her taco were chocolate jelly beans and she took 3 whole bites before she decided to never trust me again.
The person who named the Sea of Tranquility on the Moon had to be a realtor.
Greatest days of my life:
3) Day I got married
2) Day my first kid was born
1) Day Facebook let you turn off notifications for their games
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?
I arrived early at the restaurant last night. Do you mind waiting for a bit? The manager asked.
Not at all I replied.
Good, take these pizzas to table 6, he said.
*pronounces fake like saké*
To the people who have lost one shoe on the side of the road…
Are you okay? How does that even happen?
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
If you’re Harpy
and you know it
lay an egg
Marriage is alright if you like someone coming home and telling you about their day in the middle of your movie
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
Parents are hiring drug-sniffing dogs to find their kids’ drugs. I couldn’t do it. My kid already doesn’t trust me, according to her diary.
Prank:
Bring canned food and water to a friends house and say, “the big one is coming.” Don’t explain, just cry.
(helps if ur a scientist)
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
A great vocabulary is such a turn on. A guy used the word “bifurcated” during a meeting and I almost threw my panties at him.
Me: Any Costco requests?
Husband, who is out of deodorant, toothpaste, and work snacks: Nope, I’m good.
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Sweetie, I didn’t mute you. I turned the quality filter on and then all your tweets disappeared.
The first one, obviously
pharmacist: are you getting a booster?
me: high chair please.