Scientists: we have invented healthy food
Me: are you sure it’s healthy
Scientists: …no
Me: are you sure it’s food
Scientists: …no
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You think your wife is crazy now?
Try divorcing her
my gf opening a package: i need something sharp
me: okay 🙂
her: if u hand me cheddar again i will leave u
me: okay 🙁
I think I know the stress of a guy disarming a ticking time bomb after my wife watched me while I unloaded the dishwasher.
Level of drunkenness: fed the ATM pizza.
Don’t you hate when you do something out of the kindness of your heart & someone gets upset because you shoved a pack of gum in their mouth?
Just finished up some dusting. And by dusting I mean I blew on a shelf and then sneezed 6 times in a row.
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
Dating:
I love you so much. I would do anything for you.Marriage:
Since you’re going upstairs already, can you take this with you?
“no”
Even if I’m mad at my wife I should be mature enough not to flush the toilet on purpose while she’s in the shower, but it turns out I’m not.
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
If chickens ate human eggs we’d probably be in some kind of chicken war.
Arby’s is good, no bird problem, very few bird in restaurant, Arby’s, “where there are not very many birds” that’s our new slogan
[out in public]
Me: A kid is crying.
Wife: It’s not one of ours.
[we fist bump]
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
I don’t understand what you mean by ‘stop drinking so much’. How else will you know how much I love you at 2am every day?
But I meant it as a compliment when I said your baby looks like a pug.
Today I drove through a huge puddle that splashed up under my car and laughed to myself as I whispered, “car bidet.”
*gets in huge line at the donut shop*
*taps foot*
*sweats*
*shakes*
*causally hums the Jaws theme until people get out of my way*
Took a good look at my finances.
I won’t make that mistake again.
Birds are UFOs if you are not a birdwatcher
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
i like to flex on them by shrugging
Son: the tooth fairy didn’t leave me any money
Me, forgetting he put a tooth under his pillow because I was up playing Fortnite until 4am: yeah I’m afraid she died
I was chuckling at all the old men in the parking lot, waiting for the store to open. Then I realized, WAIT, I AM AN OLD MAN SITTING IN THE PARKING LOT WAITING FOR THE STORE TO OPEN
Neighbor: Help I have a plumbing emergency!
Me: *grabs tools*
Neighbor is naked and wet
Me: um what kind of plumbing are we talking about?
Science: I rely on observable data and logic.
Religion: I prefer scripture and faith.
Astrology: I like turtles.
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
First time seeing these brilliant print ads for Scrabble today. Published in Ukraine in August 2014 by ad agency Twiga.
The existence of Tumblr implies the existence of Glss and Coffe Mg