Coyotes don’t run away – they pause and stare, like they’re trying to place you. One did this to me on the way home and I rolled down the window and said “I used to bartend at a fondue place?” He snapped his paw and said “right that’s it” and trotted off in the rain.
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My wife bought me gym shorts like I’m gonna run to the kitchen for some more nachos.
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
*writes in climate’s year book “Best of luck. Don’t ever change!”*
These true crime docs are fantastic but pretty soon Netflix is going to have to start murdering dudes just to keep up.
Oh to be a woman in the 1800s, diagnosed with hysteria and getting a lobotomy
One thing twitter has taught me is that someone, somewhere in the world is thinking exactly the same thing you are.
April is alcohol awareness month…..I think we’re all aware.
Cheers!
I hate when people ask me “how do you feel your presentation went?”
Excuse me I blacked out & astral projected the entire time, you tell me
am i anxious? yes. but is that going to stop me from doing things i love? also yes
Teens today stuck inside all day long playing video games.
In my day, we spent all day outside smoking hash oil & cigarettes with friends.
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
Son: Dad, I’m so excited. I got a B in spelling!
Dad: That’s a D, moron.
Wanna know what it’s like to have kids? Picture one of those automatic ball-pitching machines, but instead of balls, it’s questions. And it never shuts off.
I walked up to my 9yo and said, “How goes it?” He looks up at me and says, “God is history’s greatest serial killer.”
Even if you are fully vaccinated, you should not lick the escalator rails…
Inmate: Did you bring a cake with a file in it?
Me: *holding file folder containing cake photos* I may have misunderstood.
i’ll take the “hell yes assorted cheese” please
[first day as a mechanic]
ME: i would say this car is haunted
therapist: im glad u overcame ur fear of snakes and all but-
me, with a snake: ur gonna say i shouldn’t have married this snake aren’t u
Apologies about the delay to the 16:10 to Alicante. We’re just waiting for one 3D printed part, but apparently a ‘fuselage’ takes a little time.
based al yankovic
*Facebook down*
Grandpa: *in the back alley* Yes, can I please get a gram of conspiracy theories
Him: The kids and I had a game night. There was a good bit of arguing and some crying.
Me: Oh? …how did the kids behave?
Him: Where’d you get that black eye?
Me: My girlfriend gave it to me.
Him: I thought your girlfriend was out of town.
Me: I did too…
Always blow your man. Pamdé went two weeks without blowing Anakin and we all know what happened to that dude.
Me: What fresh hell is this?
Satan: *turns to camera, winks* Thanks, Febreze!
[i light up my epi pen and take a long drag] peanut allergy? i haven’t heard that name in years
1 rabbit can make 1,000+ babies in its life
DATE: how do you know that
*shouting over deafening hopping sounds from the attic* INTERNET
I wouldn’t mind being catcalled if it were useful: “Hey baby, boot sale at Macy’s!” or, “Line’s shorter at Starbucks on 5th, sweet cheeks!”