Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please be still
3: Okay
Me: Please. Be. Still.
3: What is still?
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Sorry I used your baby’s bald head as a lipstick blotter.
wife, giving birth: we have got to get to the hospital ASAP
me: who’s all gonna be there
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
Teaching my kids math like, “If Disney opens at 8am and closes at 8pm, how many 5-hour energies will Mommy need to bring?”
Maybe Hitler became evil because he was mad that after so many years of lifting his hand nobody high fived him.
i’m not surprised they turned on steve bannon… everyone always resents the hottest person in the group of friends
I don’t get it. Rock beats scissors but no one says shit about running with them.
I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
Say what you want about me but at least I’ve never looked surprised in a selfie
To everyone in this doctors waiting room: calm down. I’ll hit the right note on my trumpet eventually.
Deer are just ballerina dogs
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
[first day working at DMV]
Me: I hope you like paperwork
Guy: I am not a fan
Me: *cautiously lifting paperweight* sounds like something a fan would say
“I’d like to buy this house”
“Will you waive inspection?”
“Sure”
“And waive the assessment?”
“Fine”
“And pay in cash?”
“Ugh, ok”
“And promise you won’t ever live in it?”
“If that gives me the edge”
Not to brag, but I was voted “Most Likely To Mention Something Truly Insignificant As If It Was A Big Deal” by everyone who has ever met me.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
My 3yo is wearing a hoodie backwards and is storing snacks in the hood and I am in amazement that I created something this magnificent.
Me : One of your friends punched me in the face!
Him : Which one?
Me : I only have one face, Carl.
ME: I need you to look at my balls, doc *removes pants*
DR: Ok what seems to be the problem?
ME: *swivels hips sensually* Nuthin
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.
When I practice my saxophone I have to put the cat in the window, so my neighbours know I’m not kicking it around the living room.
Tired of not knowing if I should swipe my credit card, insert the chip or punch myself in the face.
i hate when my friend starts dating an idiot and i have to be like how could you bring this man into our lives
Science in 140. Carbon. A nonmetallic, tetravalent element which forms the basis of all known life, the result of unprotected carbon dating.
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[Boss stands at my desk] Can I see you in my office?
[I stare curiously] You can see me here, right?
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
My coworker Gwynn broke her leg slipping on ice and didn’t even laugh when I called her Pain-Gwynn
[outside bar]
angry guy: [rips off shirt, puts up fists]
me: [carefully removes jacket & shirt, spends a full minute folding them neatly using the KonMari method]
angry guy: omg this is literally why I wanna hit u