And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
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I bought a whole set of Ninja cookware and now I can’t find them.
Her: I haven’t had sex in so long, I miss it
Me: Well we could…
Her: Not that much.
Making myself into different art styles day 2: Andy Warhol
So done with NPR. Every time I call to request a song, they NEVER play it.
I’m sorry but I strongly disagree
Airport beers are great because it means you are traveling and also that you hate your own money
If I ever only have 3 months to live, I want my ex wife to be with me. That would be the longest 3 months of my life.
I accidentally bumped into a guy today & he’s like “Aren’t you going to apologize? Asshole!” so yes, I told him “Assholes never applogize”.
Cop: Any drugs or alcohol?
Me: No thanks officer, I have everything that I need.
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Anytime I am searching the stock room at work and a coworker asks “Looking for something?” I jump out of my skin, and its not from them sneaking up on me, it’s b/c that’s what villains says when they have something you need, or they’ve caught you trying to escape their evil lair
Bacon causes cancer.
Canadian bacon apologizes.
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
(dumping an old couch in the ocean) i am creating an artificial reef, to act as a fish habitat
For some reason my hotel room has 2 toilets and i have been using them equally so neither one “feels left out” in case you’re wondering how i’m doing.
If it comes down to Joe Biden vs Donald Trump we should just accept our fates & let a chili dog eating contest determine who’s president.
Why don’t the enemies of the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles just flip them on their backs?
wordle is a big pharma conspiracy to sell us more ibuprofen
Accidentally got two shots of hand sanitizer so if you need me I’ll be rubbing my hands together for the rest of my life.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
I love eating my wife’s snacks because she seals them well and they stay crisp but if I eat more later, they’re no longer crisp because I didn’t seal them. So you see my dilemma.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
A person followed me and then unfollowed me within 3 minutes. How can they judge me after only seeing 47 tweets?
Spoiler alert: Doctor Strange could not become a Sorcerer Supreme until he learned to like sour cream.
“Holy shit I’m a cat?”
In New England, we only have two seasons:
1) Ice cream will melt if you leave it in the car
2) Ice cream is fine if you leave it in the car
Sees Sasquatch’s foot impression in the ground.
Grand Duke: I’d hate to see the creature that’s attached to.
Prince Charming clutching huge glass slipper: crap
I’m an independent woman. I laugh at my own jokes.
Feels like the fourth month in January
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these