Let’s name our sandwich shop after smelly trains.
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That moment when you’re driving and tweeting and you look up and notice you’re in the Atlantic Ocean.
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
origin story of all Disney villains:
“omg if I hear ONE more person singing today-“
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
All the other soldiers are mad at me because I keep making helicopter noises when they’re trying to sleep
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here
what if aliens really do exist but all they do is steal chapstick from us bc that’s how they fuel their spaceships?
To increase profits, commercial airlines need to bring back legroom and snacks then start painting the planes really crazy because nobody wants to miss their chance to fly in a giant meatball sub with batwings.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
Knowing when to keep opinions to yourself is a skill…
That I do not possess, apparently.
When I tell you “I’m open to feedback” I’m telling you to be nice to me or I’ll resort to violence
I saw some felted wool animals I liked, but if you think I’m paying $200 for felted wool animals, you’ve got felted wool rocks in your head.
Tree: Bark
Dog: {leaves}
nothing like a slow cooked sausage
I’m going to try and be less of a people pleaser, is everyone ok with that?
Trust me, your laptop is dishwasher safe
“Do what you love and you’ll never work a day in your life”
Ok Brenda but watching Netflix and eating Nutella straight out the jar isn’t gonna pay my bills is it?
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
The downside to posting jokes all the time is that if I tweeted “Help, I am in an Iranian prison” everyone would be like “haha good one”
ME: I have good news & bad news
WIFE: Bad news first
ME: The baby giraffe broke the TV
WIFE: We don’t have a-
ME: Aaaaand now the good news
My account was hacked so if you saw some really weird posts or received some strange DMs, those were the ones that were definitely from ME. Anything else was the hackers.
Marsupials have pouches and the good manners to keep children out of sight.
I like long walks away from everyone
[sneezes and shoots my tampon out so hard it sets off another false missle alarm in Hawaii]
Every Christmas I buy my niece and nephew something that has to be assembled, because watching my pissed off brother struggle to put it together is my Christmas.
I don’t really ask for much, just good health and happiness. Oh, and a tater tot as big as my head.
I’m going to start an emo group called System of a Frown.
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.