[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
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Maybe we should be focussing less on Goldilocks and more on why Mama and Papa bear don’t sleep in the same bed anymore.
My neighbor said “I think the earth might be flat, sorry if I’m not politically correct.” no you’re just regular incorrect
Me: Scientists have discovered a nearly 900,000,000 year-old fossil.
Child: Was it the skeleton of your childhood pet?
Me: Things like this are why no one likes children.
My son got very excited about all the toys he found when I cleaned behind the couch, I should have waited till Christmas morning to do that
I’m going to hell if anybody needs anything.
If someone tells you pick a card, any card take their Visa.
If your Tetris high score doesn’t excite me, you’re not loading my dishwasher
I accidentally come home with a brand new car one time after taking our old one in for an oil change and all of the sudden I’m not allowed to make decisions anymore.
How did we not see this back then?
i would like to apologize to the parents of the child my kid is FaceTiming with, as she is just on her third time through of baby shark with no end in sight
My 6 year old keeps trying to play with me. What does he think I had his little sister for?!
On our way back from hotel pool, door card doesn’t work. Francophone BF heads to reception to get new card and returns.
Him: Wow, there was a huge line up at reception but when I told them I had a wet girlfriend waiting at the door they all let me in..
ME: *getting daily intelligence briefing*
ADVISOR: *shakes head* you still don’t have any
My 2-year-old asking for her stuffed lamb while having a snack…
Daughter: “Where’s Lamby?”
Me: “In the crib.”
Daughter: “Go get him.”
Me: “Can you say please?”
Daughter: “I can’t say please with food in my mouth.”
DAD: mommy and I are just having a little fight
KID: are you…gonna get a divorce?
DAD: damn, that thought never occurred to me. That’s a good idea
The first guy to eat cheese had a creepy hunch that totally paid off
THERAPIST: what brings you in today?
ME: sharks lack the ability to hug.
THERAPIST: *starts to cry*
Will I understand The Matrix if I haven’t seen The Matrviii? Will I understand sex if I’ve never had seix?
Romeo: I lost my cow
Juliet: wherefore art cow Romeo?
*calls restaurant*
Me: Hi is your place a kid friendly restaurant?
Host: Of course it is sir
*hangs up*
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
ME: So what’s happening today
NEWS: *incoherent screaming*
If you put on country music in my car, I have one question:
How the hell did you break into my car?
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
Ask someone if they’ll watch your bag for you but never actually leave just sit there and watch your bag together with your new friend.
Raise your hand if this is your first time under a helicopter. Ah, sorry to make an example of you Johnson, but that’s why we never do that.
Learn to ask more specific questions. It’s not “How do I look?” It’s “Do I look good enough people are surprised I married you?”
intermittent fasting? i just slept 7 hours without a snack what more do you want from me?
Autoimmune disease means you’re invincible to dying in a car accident.