ME: I worked at a zoo for a while
THERAPIST: Great! & what did you take from that?
ME: [monkey noises coming from my bag] Uh good memories
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My favorite part of Zumba is mortgaging my house to pay the chiropractor.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
I’m shoplifting items from Dollar Tree and returning them to Five Below for a profit
In my house, where there’s smoke there’s dinner.
‘The cat is up on your counters again.’
~The monster under my bed.
When a squirrel runs on the road then turns around quickly is it because he thinks he left his little squirrel iron on?
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
[Michael Cera knocked backwards by ejecting toast]
FRIEND: My kid was mvp of his basketball team.
ME: My kid misses when he tries to high-5
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
Sure childbirth can be painful, but have you had food poisoning for two days straight?
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
Saw a movie about a bunch of people on a cursed beach. Got old pretty quickly
First person to use a pillow: this is way better than leaves
First person to lay on a pillow: ok I smell shit
This idea is the best gift I’ve ever given myself
I hate when I make a joke and everyone says, “Too soon.”
I’m sorry, if I wait any longer the funeral will be over.
Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
Asked a guy in the garden area of Home Depot if he had anything that won’t die.
He replied: My Mother-in-law!
We fist bumped.
I’m a married white male; my forefathers saw to it that I’m not allowed to be offended by anything.
LASSIE: Arf!
What’s that girl? Timmy’s in the old well?
L: Arf arf
He’s dead? You sure?
L: Arf!
Okay here’s a check for $5K
L: ima need cash
I keep rearranging my home office just to throw off everyone on the work video calls.
I refuse to eat spaghetti in front of someone new until I’m sure that our relationship can survive the spectacle
waiter: would u like a baked potato, mashed potatoes, or fries with that
me: yes
Our cruise ship’s movie theater is showing Titanic. That’s a foreshadow, right?
I bought a umbrella today and it started raining almost immediately. I’m heading to buy a box of condoms…
A horror movie but you have to scoot out of the round booth to get away.
My sister borrowed my favorite shirt without asking again, so I changed her Facebook profile picture to a positive Clearblue pregnancy test.
PHYSICIST: Time is relative and dependent on speed and gravity
FRIEND: Yeah okay, but my wedding starts at 4 so can you make it or not?
Officer: I am going to need you to take a sobriety test.
Me: (whispers in his ear)
Can we make it science? Sobriety has never been my strongest subject.
I got high and hid snacks from myself, this is the worst scavenger hunt ever