Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Why do customers threaten you with “I’m not coming back here” alright Gertrude see if I care? If anything ur doing me a favour luv x

DAUGHTER: can I have a snack?
ME: [clearly making dinner] no, I’m making dinner right now.
DAUGHTER: but I’m hungry!!
ME:

My favorite state to visit?

Unconsciousness

The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.

Mix it up a little. Text a random phone number the following msg:
“The fat one won’t fit into the woodchipper. What do you want me to do?”

You can always gauge my mood by the type of animal videos I share: sweet puppy videos or a cat smacking the shit out of someone.

‘I want to see other families.’

~Me, saying grace at Thanksgiving

I can clear that with ease, Elsie! Frankly, your lack of confidence is insulting.

20 seconds later:

I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything

Snakes full of cheese instead of poison would certainly improve the atmosphere at this church.

I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.

Parents: Are you eating well at school?

Me: Totally
*Eats sugary cereal for every meal from the dining hall*

My gravestone will probably say: Oh yeah? Well you’re all dead to me too.

Her: I think my fathers in jail.

Me: No, No, No… He’s in Alabama. It’s like jail, but with trees.

Filling a thermos:
weird that the doc wanted a stew sample

my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point

Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert

Teacher: Does anyone have questions?
Me: If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy ACME stuff, why didn’t he just buy dinner?
T: Holy Shit

Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.

Cop: SHOW ME YOUR HANDS!

Me: *puts hands out*

Cop: wait… are you the hand model for Rolex?

Me: *blushing* guilty

Cop [winking aggressively]: Uh oh someone’s gonna have to serve some TIME

I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire

I’m an early bird and a night owl, so I’m basically some form of permanently exhausted pigeon

“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”

me: [trying to pronounce gnocchi] “gnocc gnocc-”
waiter: “who’s there? haha”
me: “this isn’t a joke son”

There is no way to differentiate between the screams you hear from mass murder, passengers on a plane going down and 5 Tweens seeing a bug

It’s like my Granddad used to say “Sarcasm is not a good thing to bring to a gun fight either.”

If you see a man running down the street tonight, blowing a whistle & wearing a life guard shirt…don’t worry, I’m just chasing my dream.

I tried some Dirty Dancing in a neighbour’s herb garden. I had the thyme of my life.

today at CrossFit we threw raccoons into the ocean

13 just did his laundry without provocation.
I’m sure he wants something, but he’s scaring the hell out of me.