“I need a timing belt & power steering for my life” I say to my new bros, using the only 2 car-terms I know in a single testosterone bullet.
You Might Also Like
People say “Don’t get carried away” like that wouldn’t be the coolest mode of transport.
I’ve spent days trying to make the perfect batch of homemade soap and I’m really starting to appreciate how much pressure Walter White was under.
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
nice idyllic small town ya got here…it’d be a shame if it harbored a deadly secret
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Remembering the time a guy asked me out but he was really cute so I panicked and replied “I can’t, I forgot to buy cheese”
My wife refuses to hire a housekeeper bc *checks notes* she doesn’t want them to see this mess.
Husband: I almost ate an entire pan of Rice Krispies treats.
Me: Almost? Quitter.
Mom: Cousin Julie works at Google
She marrying a doctor in JuneMe: I got 7 bags of Xmas candy at half price
Mom:-
Me:THAT’S LIKE 50% OFF
me: sorry we’re late
st peter: what happened
grim reaper: *holding cotton candy and a giant teddy bear* traffic
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
Remember when we didn’t let Meg Ryan stand up straight for an entire decade?
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Apparently “ew no” is not an acceptable way to tell my boss I don’t want more responsibility at work.
Drink like a fish and you’ll never feel like a fish out of water socially. You might look like one but you’ll never feel like one…
The ostrich may have the right idea
but I hate sand in my hair.
There’s a deaf couple fighting in the car in front of me in this parking lot & I kinda want to stay & watch because their signs are getting bigger & more yelly
What idiot called them astronomers and not skyentists
The last 23,000 tweets were sent by my dog and bad decisions.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.
Yes, go ahead and verify my pictures, Tinder. Because so many people out there would pretend to look like this on purpose.
my friends and all our dads listening to the laser tag employee give the instructions:
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
The ruling that legal papers can now be “served” on Facebook is ridiculous. Don’t they know the people they’re looking for are on twitter?
Hi, you’ve reached my voicemail. Why didn’t you text me? I’ll never call you back. Like, ever. You’d have better luck with a telegram.
*walks into gym, tags my location on Facebook, leaves*
If Fitbit hired the owl from Duolingo we’d all be so buff
He’d keep us in line
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.