Typos are gonna be the death of me!
Unless pills, cigarettes, alcohol, unprotected sex, meth, bull fighting or Taco Bell kill me first.
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Doctor: I have some bad news
Me: Why can’t my grandma tell me?
Doctor: I’m afraid she passed
Me: oh no
Grandma: Yeah screw that, I’m not doing it
You could completely eliminate the semicolon key and 90% of America wouldn’t notice… until they needed to wink at somebody.
Dad: I’m so hungry.
Me: Hi, so hungry I’m son!
*Dad turns head very slowly*
[camera cuts to Dad patting down pile of dirt with shovel]
When I die, cremate everything but my feet. Then set the feet covered in my ashes on a stranger’s front porch, ring the doorbell, and hide
Sure sex is great and all but have you ever watched someone trip over a curb while getting out of a Bentley?
I suppose in many ways we are all on our fifth attempt to open a dinosaur amusement park.
The “Beware of Cat” sign posted outside my house doesn’t seem to be having the desired affect.
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out
[boardroom]
“Now hear me out. They’re Teenage..”
Ok
“Mutant..”
I like where this is going
“Ninja..”
Noun me, Graham!
“Turtles”
You’re fired
Hell hath no fury like a pizza pocket that hasn’t had proper cooling time.
They won’t give me insurance on my phones anymore, but yet they don’t make phones that survive being thrown against walls?
It’s nonsense…
Me: When I am elected President, I am going to gaslight everybody
(gets elected)
Me: I never said that.
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
Airbnbs today: wash the towels, iron the sheets, mop the floors, defrost the freezer, mow the lawn, clean the gutters, paint the trim, dust the floorboards, check on my mother-in-law, … And don’t forget to leave us a five star review.
Me: What time are we leaving?
Wife: In 3 or 4 hours
Me: Ok, I’ll be waiting in the car
[1st Day working at Hotel California]
Guest: Id like 2 check out
Me: Sure! Youre all set!
G: Thanks! [Leaves]
Boss: Can I see u in my office
me: can I get one for the lady at the end of the bar
balloon animal guy: ok
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
A lot of people cry when they chop onions. The trick is not to form an emotional bond.
“Coward” should really mean “to move in the direction of a cow”
him: it’s nice that you wear your heart on your sleeve
me: that’s ketchup
The sign at the zoo said “Please Don’t Touch The Animals” so I put away the book of poetry I was reading to them.
Him: I like to play devils advocate
Me: There are way better games out there
[jazz club]
date: I love the sound of double bass
me: [sexily] bass bass
Me: Okay 2 it’s time for bed
2: NO! Mommy go to bed
Me: Okay*goes to bed
[High school reunion]
Person: “I don’t remember you.”
Me: *starts crying*
Person: “Now I remember you.”
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
Women love when their boots go Click Clack because it reminds them of horses, from which women evolved.
[INTERVIEW]
HR: What are your strengths?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*
HR: Wow-Weaknesses?
Me:*pulls out & eats an entire pizza*