The difference between a hippo and a zippo is that one is really heavy and the other is a little lighter. Thank you, g’nite.
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Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
They don’t hire anyone at IKEA. People get lost there for a few years and eventually know where everything is. It’s Restockholm syndrome.
Me: I should sleep.
Brain: No we must stay on Twitter and correct everyone erroneously identifying a beluga as a dolphin in a meme.
Wait hamburger chips aren’t potato chip flavored hamburgers I’ve been living a lie
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Magician: I can make anything disappear
Tom: *holding cup* do it to my tea
Magician: *waves hand* done
om: *holding cup* it didn’t work
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Scream movies would never happen in this day and age because every time the killer would call we’d just let it go to voicemail.
Skills
Most fears fill us with doubt and “what ifs” that imprison us. The more you do to get out of your comfort zone, the more fear will subside. In life, do what scares you, and you’ll grow and succeed!
📸: @blessingmanifesting
Me too
Go ahead and call HR, I don’t even work here.
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
Are you questioning my vocabulary skills, pal? Cause you are gonna get punched right in the plethora
“I just can’t wait to hear the audible gasps of amazement from everyone who enters my house.”
-Me after spending 6 minutes cleaning
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
The guy at work who giggles every time the clock hits 4:20 can’t figure out why he keeps getting “randomly” drug tested.
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Contents of my wallet just spilled all over the cashier’s counter, so embarrassing, spiders everywhere.
My kid’s piano teacher told me he liked my Halloween shirt and I told him thanks but this is just how I dress.
Ignore her and she’ll go away, to buy a gun, but she’ll go away.
AA Counselor: what’s step one?
AA Battery: admitting I’m powerless
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Nothing wakes you up faster than a 5 y/o kicking open your door like SWAT and jumping on you in bed.
Describing dead people as late feels unfair. Rigor mortis makes it difficult to be on time.
Me: *drowning*
My Fitbit: great job!! Your first ever exercise!
If at first you don’t succeed, try two more times so your failure is statistically significant.
My she-ro of the day is the project lead who turned on her camera during today’s group Skype meeting.
“You need some sunlight on that pasty skin of yours”–says my mom as she cures me of social anxiety and crippling depression