Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
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If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
“Something in the way she doesn’t move” – necrophiliacs
Dear prisoners: How about liquid soap?
You’re welcome.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!
Partner: You had a beer, a glass of wine, a martini and now scotch. Pick one or you’re going to really pay for it tomorrow.
Me: I know. I can’t help it. It’s the alcorithm.
[Dinner at Arby’s]
Me: Remember our first date here? Feels like yesterday
Her: It was lunch today. Please take me home
Me: Ahh memories
Society has this weird perception that nurses are the most nurturing parents.
My kids: My arm hurts when I move it!!
Me: Then don’t do it.
My 2-year old son wears a “Jurassic Park” t-shirt like he’s some big fan but I know for a fact he’s never seen it.
Don’t be a poser bro
“Today, my son asked “Can I have a book mark?” and I burst into tears. 11 years old and he still doesn’t know my name is Brian.”
Gym instructor: What’s your main purpose for working out?
Me: Knorr cubes. Yea. Need to be strong enough to break them.
When someone asks “What’s your favorite film?” instead of “What’s your favorite movie?” I know instantly that my answer will disappoint them
Confusing prank: Obtain a grizzly bear, name it Love then call 911 and say that Love is tearing you apart
Considering you can be anything you want on the internet,
it’s amazing how many choose to be stupid.
Tonight playing poker with a buddy he said “Care to make this interesting?” And I said “Sure. For years I’ve been secretly in love with you”
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
“Be strong” I whisper to my coffee.
How I look taking the 2000th photo of my dog sleeping
Scientists use dead bodies? Jesus, I know they’re nerds but they should still be able to make living friends.
I just wish my ex could look down from heaven and see me right now, but no, the bastard is still alive.
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
guys named stephen “can’t ephen.”
You can add “cha cha cha” to any sentence you want without explaining yourself. Nobody really appreciates this.
LA today:
Accidentally texted my dad “have a hood day” and he shot three people
One good thing about virtual school is that my 11yo and I get to actually spend special moments together that we normally wouldn’t have time for like when I sat down next to him with my coffee and he said, “ew could you move that smell is literally making me wanna puke”.
me: you’re brothers?
mario: that’s-a right!
me: which explains why you dress the same
luigi: that’s-a right!
me: [pointing to wario & waluigi] ok wait but then who are they?
mario: [whispering, fear in his voice] honestly dude we have no idea what their deal is
Facebook conspiracy theorists are already warning that the monkeypox vaccine contains a microchimp.