Ah to be a little slug on a day like today. The rain is out. No cares in the world. Time for slime.
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
Be the chaos you wish to see in the world:
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
You can tell a lot about a person by their reaction when you yell “look out!” while flicking a dinner plate at their head like a frisbee.
neil armstrong: i’ll take that for you
neil armweak: can you carry this?
My DNA test results finally proved what I knew all along, my father was an avocado.
If Socrates had been a woman, he would’ve said: All I know is that I have all these clothes, but I have nothing to wear.
If Pokémon has taught me anything it’s that if I see a cute animal I should force my cat to fight it until it’s weak enough to enslave.
Me: [walking through front door]
4: Is it storming outside?
Me: Yeah it is buddy.
4: Did you get hit by lighting?
Me: Nope I’m all safe-
4: Why not?
“I am the God of mischief in Norse mythology, but I don’t want too many people knowing about it”.
– Low key.
How to lose a gf:
Gf: which of my friends would be the most fun to have a 3some with?
Me: *names two of them*
10: Dad, what’s the opposite of “discombobulated?”
Husband:
Me, yelling from the kitchen: You don’t know, do NOT say “combobulated!”
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
“Girl, same.”
– Midwife, handing a mother the second of her newborn identical twins.
I bet you wouldn’t stand on a running horse and jump through a flaming hoop of fire for me. Yeah, that’s smart.
The Purge, but instead of 24 hrs of killing whoever we want, we get to tell our friends that we really think the person they’re dating is trash without consequences.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
Me, getting murdered: Those had better not be my fabric scissors, buddy.
When I get home the first thing I’m going to do is rip my wife’s panties off. Because too small and the elastic is killing me.
Can’t feed an old dog new Trix.
Trix are for kids.
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
the inventor of archery: man i wanna stab that guy over there
It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
GUY: Do you want to play fantasy football?
ME: Okay, I’m a quarterback with wings
the killers: it’s called mr. brightside. verse 1 is about being cheated on
producer: geez does it get resolved in the 2nd verse?
the killers: no, we literally just sing all of that again. won’t change a word
producer: sounds bad
the killers: its the greatest song ever written
Torturer: just tell me what I need know
Me: NEVER
Torturer: *bites ice cream using his front teeth*
Me: OKAY I’ll talk
Worst reasons to wake up to a strange voice at 3am:
1. home intruder
2. haunting
3. bluetooth speaker lady complaining she wants more power
Checkmate, Flat Earthers
Really wanted to be a therapist until I got a Twitter account and read some of you guys problems and I want nothing to do with that mess