I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
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I put on pants like everybody else. Whenever there’s a knock on the front door
GOD: ok, you 2 have basically the same body, now let’s just divide these legs up!
SNAKE: Actually, what say we play cards for it? Winner gets ALL the legs.
GOD: …There is literally no reason to do that.
MILLIPEDE: *Shuffling with 1 hand* No no, he wants to play let him play.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
My husband knocks on our fishtank when the fish are chasing and biting each other. As if they’re gonna be like, “Shit, we better stop, Dad’s home.”
Me: Can I use it for my socials?
Mugshot Photographer: No.
FAKE BREEDS I’VE TOLD PEOPLE MY DOG IS AT THE DOG PARK: Venetian Dabney, Brown Feta, Waxbeard, Oxnard Pike, Blue Hustler, High Presbyterian
To the teenager that flipped me off for honking at you. Your phone is on top of your car.
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
Is it “butt-naked” or “buck-naked?” I want this pool party invite to be perfect.
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
My sweet granny could remember tunes but not lyrics ,so I used to happily fall asleep with ”Hush now baby don’t you shout, I’ll open the window, and throw you out” . Don’t judge
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
[May 2020]
Top 5 of the wealthiest ppl in the World thanks to Covid- 19.
5.
4.
3.
2.
1. Divorce lawyers
Him: Send me a shower pic
Me:
Coworker: What’s twitter like?
Me: The door handle is broken and the maid is drunk.
*looks at you in batman voice*
Cashier: how old r u?
Me:*holding beer nervously* uuh 21
Cashier:*shaking his head sadly as he pulls Trix out of my cart* Trix are for kids.
Whenever someone says “I don’t have a horse in that race” I respond with “You don’t have a horse at all, Reggie. You have a cat & diabetes.”
[Please Do Not Tap Glass. Snakes Do Not Have Fingers And Will Get Jealous.]
My kid just made me google the various answer percentages to cheat a Harry Potter Sorting Hat quiz so she’d get Slytherin- which I guess qualifies her.
GF: You cant keep it.
ME: But-
G: Its a BEE.
M: HES my FRIEND!
G: Hand him over.
M: No! [tearing up] I wont let you hurt Albuzz Bumbledore!
Apostrophes was the Greek god of confusing grammar.
Me: Everyone should adopt a dog.
Him: Some people don’t like dogs.
M: Who?
H: I don’t know. Some people.
M: Who?! I want names and numbers!
*stops midway* wait….did you say shrek or shark
-me as a tattoo artist
Wife (from the other room): Rick, what time is it?
Me: It’s 3:50
Wife: Really? Or did you accidentally hit the Preheat button on the oven again?
Me: Of course not. I’m not a total idiot!
Wife: OK. Sorry.
Me: Now it’s 3:75
A beautiful summer day, the knee hairs I missed the last 4 times shaving my legs blowing in the breeze from the car’s a/c vent.
Me: What were you and daddy just laughing about?
9: You
Me: What about me?
9: You won’t think its as funny as we do
It never fails: whenever I’m at a crime scene, analyzing blood spatter and bullet trajectories, someone always assumes I’m a CSI.
My husband was upset that the baby spit up on his “nice clothes”.
I’m not sure if I’m more confused by my husband thinking he has “nice clothes” or that he doesn’t understand what a washing machine does.
When someone pisses me off, I plan my revenge in my head.
Then I realize how long that will take and I take a nap instead.