I used to be married, but I’m better now
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Don’t touch the door handles
Don’t touch the light switches
Don’t touch the bedspread
Don’t touch the remote control-me, in this hotel room
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Family: come play dodgeball
Me: nah
Fam: oh come on
Me: no thanks
Fam: JUST PLAY
Me: *nails 6 year old in the face*
I replaced all the fire extinguishers at work with confetti canons because I like to party
her: and what do you do?
me: I’m a mail escort
postal worker: I won’t tell you again, I don’t need you following me everywhere!
Always crush and snort your first pill on the pharmacy counter to make sure they’re not passing you some fake shit.
She got mad because she said don’t come in the house with those dirty shoes on so I took them off, how was I supposed to know my socks were just as bad.
Someone asked us to sign a petition in favor of backyard chickens and now my kids have a new idea for a pet
The key to looking amazing is looking like shit most of the time so it’s more of a surprise
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
I have the eyebrows of a much more unstable woman
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Women say they like tall men, so I focused on growing til I hit 37 feet but now they just hide as I peer through the treetops, my stride toppling redwoods. They cover their ears when my voice rumbles through the canyons, “HEYYYY LAAAADIES!!!”
the plan to cancel student loan debt would be a slap in the face to those of us who learned to Walk Thru Walls and make disembodied noises every time the debt collector calls
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Somebody spiked my ice water with 14 glasses of champagne last night
Listen, I’m one of those people who have the best intentions when it comes to making you a fried egg…
With that said, scrambled it is.
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
A mom hits peak passive aggressive when faced with the request “tell me a story”
Well Billy, once upon a time there was a little boy who literally never picked up his shit
Some of you are too young to remember taking pictures and having to wait for the bird in the camera to chisel the image out on a stone slab and it shows.
GUY: Hey, hold the elevator!
ME: *laughs to myself as I don’t hold the elevator* It’s the little things that make life worth living.*12 hours later*
GUY: *who is apparently building maintenance* I was trying to warn you it was broken.
Headed to police station to go through mugshots for a date tonight. I don’t trust ChristianMingle.
To all the people with grammatical issues, don’t worry, I also have problems with badly timed periods. 
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Pretty sure the “FINISH HIM” guy from Mortal Kombat is giving relationship advice to every girl I date.
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
hey there, delilah. what’s it like in new york city? i’m not personally attracted to you, i just have a general interest in cities
Who you are when a wasp gets too close to you is the real you.
The writing is on the wall, or on my teen’s arm because I needed to write down a number and couldn’t find a piece of paper.